Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I just bought my wife a solar powered vibrator,

Seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a fortune on batteries...

[Raistlin]

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party in just his Y-Fronts.

'What are you meant to be?' asks one person.

'Premature ejaculation,' he replies.

'I just came in my pants.'

[Raistlin]

I was walking through the woods earlier and I came across a dead badger,

I thought it was a good wank,

But my wife and kids said it ruined their walk...

[Raistlin]

My wife said she wanted to be treated to a facial for her birthday,

It appears that our definitions of that word differ...

[Raistlin]

An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit ?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start ?"

[Raistlin]

I hate it when I run out of Staples.

So do their security guards...

[Raistlin]

Katie Price has been quoted as saying: "My death might be a Diana moment"

Yeah, we all wish it had happened in 1997 too...

[Raistlin]

What do you call a bloke who gets drinks for a fat girl in a nightclub ?

A barman...

[Bizarra]

HOLY E-MAIL

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

[Bizarra]

Some of these have been already posted

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor... 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day..

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot!

You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[Raistlin]

Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don't know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.

"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"

The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk."

[Raistlin]

The Polish:

Great plumbers and prostitutes,

But not so hot on aircraft maintenance...

[Raistlin]

Street crime in this country is out of control,

I was driving to work yesterday, and some old nutter ran out into the road trying to carjack me,

Well, his fluorescent jacket and metal pole with 'STOP' written on it were no match for my Ford Focus,

So he won't be trying that again in a hurry...

[Raistlin]

I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said, Survey crew ahead.

I did,

They looked okay...

[Raistlin]

My wife's not speaking to me again,

On my passport application I filled in the Marital Status field as "unhappy"...

[Raistlin]

In a drunken bet last night,

I shoved a bottle of vodka up my bum,

And now I am in absolut agony...

[Raistlin]

One day, when I saw my wife at the kitchen sink, overcome with lust I rushed over to her,

I lifted her skirt and took her from behind,

Now we're banned from B & Q...

[Raistlin]

I found a large tub of plasticine in my room,

I don't know what to make of it...

[Raistlin]

Women might be able to fake orgasms,

But men can fake a whole relationship...

[Raistlin]

I like to masturbate in the shower,

Unfortunately thats what got me booted out of my football team...

[Raistlin]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new set bathroom scales.

Bob has been missing since Friday...

[Raistlin]

Do computers in prison still have an escape button ?

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Poland and my pencil case?

My pencil case has a ruler...

[Raistlin]

They say "You can't beat a Irishman with a shovel"

And yet most of them look like someone did...

[Bizarra]

They say "You can't beat a Irishman with a shovel"

And yet most of them look like someone did...

Humph!!!!

.... :lol2: