Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife bought me a new keyboard today, but I don't like it.

It's not my type...

[Raistlin]

Portsmouth FC have earned themselves a chance to qualify for European football next season,

Which is good news for Pompey fans,

And even better news for Ryanair...

[Raistlin]

Nowadays prison is like a walk in the park,

You might get raped...

[Raistlin]

Jordan,

She has seen more Japs eyes than a Tokyo optician...

[Raistlin]

So Poland is looking for a new President,

I hear that Gordon Brown is soon to be looking for a new job and he has plenty of experience of governing a nation full of Poles...

[Raistlin]

I've set up learning centre for Jewish kids with short attention spans,

I haven't had any bookings,

Maybe I shouldn't have called them concentration camps...

[Raistlin]

I've recently decided to create a new business,

It's a rubbish collection service with a staff made up entirely of people with disabilities.

The council will not approve the idea though,

I don't see what the problem is with calling it, "Downs in the Dumps".

[Raistlin]

I used to love playing with transfomers when I was a kid,

I was electrocuted three times...

[Raistlin]

Sometimes things can slip out during vigorous sex,

For example, I once told my girlfriend she was better than her sister...

[Raistlin]

I'm Maddie and climbing out of Windows was my parents idea of an excuse...

[Raistlin]

I just watched 'Who's line is it anyway'

It's about Dementia sufferers with a coke addiction...

[Raistlin]

In the courts:

Smart Cars have been ordered to change their name after a report revealed the majority of people driving them were women...

[Raistlin]

I heard Dawn French recently contracted a flesh eating virus,

Her Doctor has given her 30 years...

[Raistlin]

Katie Price has been rogered more times than a policeman's walkie talkie...

[Raistlin]

Woman are not like a good wine.

They don't get better with age.

I think they are more like milk......

[Raistlin]

Pleasing a woman is like using another person's home entertainment system.

They all look the same but each one is hooked up differently.

I just keep blindly poking and playing with things until the right sounds come out...

[Raistlin]

Yahoo! News:

"Cheapest street in Britain named"

A fiver says Katie Price and Kerry Katona live on it...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "jack Tweed rapes girl as friend holds door"

Carlsberg don't do friends, but if they did...

[Raistlin]

I've finally finished working on my time travel machine,

It's not that good really,

It can only go into the future, really slowly...

[Raistlin]

I hate it when I hear someone joke about the Holocaust.

It's just so wrong.

Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.

[Raistlin]

I pulled a girl the other night, she said she was never in the mood for sex till she had a bottle of wine inside her.

After a bit of a struggle it turned out she meant she wanted to drink it.

[Raistlin]

What does a woman do when she drives safely through town without hitting any pedestrians or damaging anything at all ?

Turns Grand Theft Auto off and goes back in the kitchen...

[Raistlin]

Sky News Reports:

The wife of Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has attacked the "patronising" media interest in politicians' spouses.

Aww, bless her...

[Raistlin]

I don't approve of the phrase, "Caught wanking"

It implies that you have done something wrong,

I prefer the expression, "Discovered wanking"...

[Raistlin]

Katie Price has been bashed more times than my F5 button...