Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What have my jokes and my sexual performance got in common ?

Everyone else thinks they're shit , but as long as enjoy it I dont care...

[Raistlin]

My mate introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that 100% guarantees pay out.

It's called a Job...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend keeps telling me that making clothes based puns is really not funny,

Corset is...

[Raistlin]

I used to work as a mime when I was younger,

It's only now I can talk about it...

[Raistlin]

When I was born, god gave me a choice of having a good memory or a huge penis,

I can't remember which I chose...

[Raistlin]

Feminism:

It all started when she left the kitchen...

[Raistlin]

I just went and watched this new band 'The Medians',

I thought they were average...

[Raistlin]

Did you know men are almost six times more likely to get struck by lightning compared to women ?

It doesn't suprise me to be honest,

I don't think I have ever heard of lightning strikes in a kitchen...

[Raistlin]

I spent all the rent money,

I bought a Victorian crib and a rocking horse from the early 1930's the other day.

Furious my wife left me this morning,

She's sick of my childish antiques...

[Raistlin]

What's the hardest thing when trying to shag a stripper ?

The bouncers...

[Raistlin]

Some days you just can't win ...

I was down the job centre and told them I was finding it hard to find work because of severe depression, so they said they would put me on "Incapacity Benefit",

This effectively doubled my money,

It was the happiest I'd been in months and cheered me up no end,

So the bastards took it back off me ....

[Raistlin]

MSN News:

A survey out today says women are happier than men.

That's simply because they don't have the one thing that pisses men off.

A wife...

[Raistlin]

A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q.

The manager asks "Would you like a screw for that mirror?"

"No", she replies, "however, I will suck you off for a lawnmower"...

[Raistlin]

I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt,

Then it clicked...

[Raistlin]

"If you don't register to vote, you don't exist"

So if I dont exist why am I paying taxes ?...

[Raistlin]

BBC News - "Padded bikini for 7-year old girls withdrawn".

Shame...

...it would have complimented my 'Speedos for Paedos' range.

[Raistlin]

My mate sent me a text the other day. It said "Ewll",

I thought to myself, "Thats well out of order"...

[Raistlin]

I just registered with an online dating site,

One of the first questions they asked me was "Do you want children ?"

This could be more fun than I thought...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: 'Early Hopes for Three Way IVF'

I may be able to convince the girlfriend yet...

[Raistlin]

A boy watches his mum and dad having sex,

He ask, "What are you doing ?"

His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister"

The boy say, "Do her doggy style, I want a puppy"

[Raistlin]

BBC News: 89 Dead As Cyclone Sweeps Through India

Were they Dyson with death by any chance ?...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: All flights in UK airspace cancelled due to volcanic ash.

The wife wasn't pleased when I phoned and said "Have you seen the dust on the TV ?"

[Raistlin]

Just took the wife to hospital with 'women problems',

She went straight up the back of a beamer...

[Raistlin]

Sky News has reported that a cloud of dust has forced all UK airports to close,

Police have called the trophy cabinet cleaners at Arsenal in for questioning...

[Raistlin]

Scientists have recently discovered there are female pheromones in alcohol,

Thats why when you have a few beers you speak utter rubbish and can't drive properly...