Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My female flatmates asked me if I wanted to watch the mass debate with them tonight,

I got myself all excited and then they explained exactly what it was...

[Raistlin]

Everyday for lunch I have a ham and cheese toastie,

I eat way too many of them,

But I'm worried to experiment with anything else,

Still you know what they say, better the Breville you know...

[Raistlin]

Tomorrows Headline: "Britain suffering in Ashes aftermath"

Freddy Flintoff is going to wake up thinking he's drunk himself into another 4 month coma...

[Raistlin]

I asked my wife which footballer she thought I was most like and was puzzled when she said Theo Walcott,

Apparently I'm very fast and lack penetration...

[Raistlin]

Top British excuses for something not working.

Ash in the air.

Leaves on the track.

He's from Liverpool...

[Raistlin]

A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband "I have a confession, I used to be a hooker"

"Actually, I find that a bit erotic - tell me more" he says.

"Well" she replied "my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan"...

[Raistlin]

What do you do if you see a spaceman ?

Park in it, dude...

[Raistlin]

I just came out the closet,

I was looking for a backdoor to Narnia...

[Raistlin]

Sky News: Emergency services were afraid they could be swamped by a torrent of melted ice."

I believe the technical term is "water"...

[Raistlin]

A woman is just like a floor tile,

Lay it properly first time and you can walk all over it the rest of your life...

[Raistlin]

Whilst having a checkup at the doctors he told me I was infertile,

Yet three weeks later my girlfriend was pregnant,

Safe to say I changed doctors as he obviously doesn't have a clue what he's doing...

[Raistlin]

What do you do if things stop working in your kitchen ?

Give her a slap, and tell the bitch to get on with it...

[★★★★★™]

A giant dust cloud has closed all UK airports

Police have arrested the cleaner of Everton's trophy room

[Raistlin]

Sky News has reported that a cloud of dust has forced all UK airports to close,

Police have called the trophy cabinet cleaners at Arsenal in for questioning...

The name changes but the joke remains the same

[Raistlin]

How do you get five hundred cows into a barn ?

Put a bingo sign on top of it...

[Raistlin]

I can't wait until it rains,

Free Volvic...

[Raistlin]

It must be great for the British Airways cabin crew, getting a few days off strike...

[Raistlin]

I want to enter Crufts but I have no experience and no dog.

So I decided to go to an experienced kennel for help.

I walked in and asked: "Have you got any pointers ?"

[Raistlin]

I was having a chat with Stephen Hawking last night and we got onto the subject of 'sex'.

He said to me "Do you know what really turns me on ?".

Apparently "the power button" was the wrong answer...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: Liz has decided who she is backing in the general election,

Unfortunately Liz is a woman,

So her opinion is redundant and will not matter...

[Raistlin]

New studies say a smile can add seven years to your life,

Unless you do it to a stranger in a Glasgow pub toilet,

In which case you've probably got about seven seconds left...

[Raistlin]

How do gingers reach orgasm ?

All alone...

[Raistlin]

What do you call a ginger at a party ?

Pizza delivery boy.

[Raistlin]

Every town I go to has at least one rubbish bin,

It's about time they replace them with good ones...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Kerry Katona says " I used to lie in bed for three days in a row doing cocaine, playing online bingo and eating Iceland Party Packs"

It's always the people you least suspect...