Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A man goes to the doctor.

The doctor shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop masturbating".

"Why ?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to examine you"...

[Raistlin]

My card got declined today,

Apparently, Wetherspoons don't accept the Queen of Hearts as payment for a pint of bitter...

[Raistlin]

Ash cloud leaves British tourists stranded on holiday in sunny exotic countries and prevents illegal immigrants from entering the country,

Carlsberg don't do volcanic eruptions....

[Raistlin]

I'm not trying to say that Geordie women are easy,

But when I went out in Newcastle last night the girls were spiking their own drinks with Rohypnol...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: "Clegg nearly as popular as Churchill"

Personally, I prefer the dog...

[Bizarra]

The first blonde guy joke?

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

[Raistlin]

I went to the doctor recently because I suspected I'd caught another STD,

Imagine my surprise when tests revealed it to be athlete's foot.

I must have picked up a sock I'd worn already...

[Raistlin]

I dont buy bottled water,

Theres a tap for that...

[Raistlin]

I just saw John Terry kissing his wife,

Should've gone to specsavers...

[Raistlin]

The sun is shining, it's really warm and there's not a cloud in the sky,

No noise or pollution from planes flying overhead,

Think I'll stroll down to the pub by the river for a cool pint or two... everyone's relaxed,

All the girls are in skimpy clothes and no one is asking me for any donations.

I hope you're watching, Haiti, Chile, China, Pakistan,

This is how English folks deal with a natural disaster...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole ?

The volcano is still blowing ash...

[Raistlin]

Blood transfusions

Medical researchers have found that Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better

Just thought you'd like to know...

[Raistlin]

After the Arsenal game today many people have been saying that Fabianski should be 'put down'.

It might be a good idea, turn him into glue and he might finally hold on to something...

[Raistlin]

I took a girl from work out to dinner .

She told me she doesn't believe in sex on the first date.

Unfortunately for her, I do...

[Raistlin]

I seen an excellent joke written on a yellow sticky note,

Do you think I should post-it ?

[Raistlin]

I was awake all last night wondering where the sun was gone,

Then all of a sudden it dawned on me...

[KPARRIS-JONES]

I was awake all last night wondering where the sun was gone,

Then all of a sudden it dawned on me...

brilliant

[Raistlin]

'Great sex is good for your health'.

That probably explains why I'm so fat...

[Raistlin]

I arrived at my driving test to find I had a woman driving instructor.

I got in the car:

"Okay, let's just go over the basics, put your seatbelt on, adjusted your seat, check all your mirrors and then we can begin."

Apparently, I was patronising her.

[Raistlin]

Life is starting to return to normal for the people in Norfolk for the first time in nearly a century,

Now that regular sightings of "the big scary metal dragons in the sky" have suddenly stopped...

[Raistlin]

Which is worse, ignorance or apathy ?

Who knows ?

Who cares ?

[Raistlin]

I was driving along at early hours of the morning when I got pulled over by the cops.

"Where are you off to at this time of night ?" he said

I replied, "a lecture"

He said ok then "whos giving it"

I said "My wife..."

[Raistlin]

If I had a pound for every time my wife accused me of being unfaithful,

I could've bought my girlfriend that necklace she's always wanted...

[Raistlin]

I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day.

'Bit of a speed merchant are we sir?' he asked.

'A bit, now and then,' I replied, 'but I only sell to friends'.

So as well as three points I'm looking at three months...

[Bizarra]

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex-

plained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..' The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment:

'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry:'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...