Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

First I had to cancel my holiday now I see that many schools need people to replace teacher's who are stranded abroad.

I can't help but think this is my time to shine...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Ash cloud moving towards America,

Ah there it is at last, the silver lining...

[Raistlin]

Jordan goes to a bar, completely naked and orders two pints and a bag of crisps.

"How you gonna pay for this?" the barman asks "you don't look like you're carrying any money".

Jordan lifts up her leg onto bar, strokes her pussy and says "How about this?

"

"Blimey" exclaims the barman "Aint you got anything smaller ?"

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie ?

He thought he was getting LSD but ended up with quicker broadband...

[Raistlin]

My wife's not talking to me, she asked me to change the baby,

And all I said was ... "Good idea, I don't like ginger ones either."

[Raistlin]

Today, I found the cutest little baby bunny.

With my lawnmower...

[Raistlin]

Police are investigating a tip off about a robbery taking place this afternoon at the Heinz factory...

Sauce Unknown...

[Raistlin]

Last night at The World Innuendo Snooker Championships.

Steve Davis was going for a deep screw.

His aim was for the brown, but after kissing the pink, jerked his cue and the white shot off over all four cushions, leaving a right mess for his partner to clean up.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Could we live without flying?

"I think the answer's yes, but I doubt the Chinese could ?"

[Raistlin]

Did you hear the new Jimmy Savile "Space and Time Relativity Theorum"?

"Now then... Now then... Now then"...

[Raistlin]

All the Geordies that flooded the Plymouth Argyle pitch last night were sorely disappointed,

When they realised footballers don't carry their wallets and phones on them whilst playing...

[Raistlin]

My mate called me a retard earlier,

I almost choked on my window...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Indian sex scandal guru arrested"

Sex Scandal Guru? ..... how do I apply for his job ?

[Raistlin]

I needed to last longer whilst making love to me Wife.

My doctor recommended that I go through the names of my favourite football team, from a particular memorable era, to keep the wolf from the door so to speak.

So that night whilst poking the Wife, I decided to recite the classic England Euro 96 team, starting from the back.

Seaman, Bugger....

[Raistlin]

Man United have signed a new striker from Nigeria.

On his first day of training, Fergie picked up the ball and said 'BALL' then pointed at the goal and said 'Goal.

Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'Kick' understand, 'Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!'

Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies ' Sit down son, I'm talking to Berbatov.'

[Raistlin]

Women say the right time to have sex is after the fifth date.

Which is why, whenever I meet a woman I make sure I bring a packet of dates...

[Raistlin]

Has anyone tried a feminist prostitute,

They're quite opinionated in how they want it, but at least they go halves...

[Raistlin]

Dawn French is so distraught she has gone on hunger strike following her split with Lenny Henry.

Doctors have given her 24 years to live...

[Raistlin]

Lots of people are preparing for the end of the world in December 2012,

Churches will organise fast-track communions,

Mosques will offer a last chance conversions,

And Synagogues will be holding a closing down sale...

[Raistlin]

The wife asked. " Do you masturbate ?"

I smiled and said. " Only when I'm thinking about you."

She said. "So, that'll be no then..."

[Raistlin]

A builder climbs up the scaffolding at a building site, but notices he forgot his saw.

He shouts down to his mate and gestures pointing at his eye (I), then his knee (need) and then moved his hand back and forth to mime a saw.

His mate pulls down his trousers and starts wanking.

The builder runs down and shouts "What the hell are you doing ?"

His mate replies, "I was just letting you know I was coming..."

[Raistlin]

I've got a new job in which I get to deal with the disadvantaged, underprivileged and those with severe mental disabilities.

I'm a match-day programme seller at Celtic Park...

[Raistlin]

Scientists have discovered that some fish have paedophile tendencies.

Specifically, the ones that swim outside the school...

[Raistlin]

Why is everyone getting worried about this ash cloud.

The last time the volcano in Iceland erupted in 1821, not a single flight was cancelled throughout the whole of Europe...

[Raistlin]

If a man speaks in the middle of the woods and there is no women around to hear him,

Is he still wrong...