Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I was having sex with a girl who worked at the Guinness brewery.

It was great, it only took her three minutes to settle get the head right...

[Raistlin]

My wife complains about my obsession with photo framing,

I don't think she sees the bigger picture...

[Raistlin]

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians,

It's called Trydixagen...

[Raistlin]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How long before I can get a haircut ?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow that guy and see where he goes he keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves ?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house...

[Raistlin]

'The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:

If it moves, tax it.

If it keeps moving, regulate it.

And if it stops moving, subsidise it'...

[Raistlin]

What do you call a gay Jew ?

A Heblew...

[Raistlin]

According to statistics 99.9% of narcoleptics won't be able to finish reading this joke in time to work out the punchline...

[Raistlin]

Took out a ginger girl yesterday.

Adding a scope to my rifle was genius...

[Raistlin]

Before last nights leader debate I was undecided.

Now I'm willing to put my full weight behind Nick Clegg.

When he is on a platform and a train is arriving...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Post worker throws £100,000 winning Lottery scratchcard in the bin"

As well as four parcels, six letters and my gas bill...

[Raistlin]

50% of people in a long term relationship prefer cuddles to sex.

So that'll be the women then?

[Raistlin]

One of my mates accused me of being a closet homosexual,

I was that upset, I didn't even stay to watch the end of Pineapple Dance Studios...

[Raistlin]

The French Foreign Legion is the best fighting force in the French army.

It is any wonder that their only rule for you to be eligible to join is that you are not allowed to be French.

Surprise, surprise...

[Raistlin]

I just can't work out why the sixteen-year-old girl Steven Gerrard got pregnant wants to keep the globe trotting, multi-millionaire footballer's baby...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: Katie Price has swallowed more seamen then the Bermuda Triangle...

[Raistlin]

Leeds Utd have made an audacious attempt to land a certain Mr Messi for next season.

If succesful, they plan to follow up with bids for Mr Bump and Mr Silly...

[Raistlin]

I just started working at of a secure mental institution,

Theres a bloke in there who is convinced he was a massive pop star in the 80's,

I don't believe him but he is Adamant...

[Raistlin]

Have you heard about the Jewish Paedophile who lured a girl to his celler to see his puppies ?

He sold her two of them...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Ben and Jerry's have developed a new whisky flavour ice cream.

In other news, Amy Winehouse has checked into hospital with chronic brainfreeze...

[Raistlin]

My mate has just been to Spain on holiday and bought me a football top back,

I think it's a poor quality fake,

He swears its Real...

[Raistlin]

My wife won't stop going on at me for spending One hundred thirty quid on a fake Rolex watch,

Really, she hasn't stopped nagging since 1.83 o'clock...

[Raistlin]

I was going to get my wife something gold for our anniversary this year,

But then she gave me the divorce papers.

So I got her something silver,

Duct tape and chains...

[Raistlin]

I was chatting up this bird at a bar when she asks me what I look for in a woman.

Apparently "my dick" isn't an acceptable answer...

[Raistlin]

I've just seen a huge Egyptian woman sticking her arse out the window of a car.

It was a two-ton car moon...

[Raistlin]

I am in big trouble with my wife,

As a favour I went to pick my son up from his special needs school today,

But she said I came home with the wrong child,

Don't judge me, the little sods are identical...