Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I'm 25 Stone, smoke 40-a-day, drink 8 pints a night and eat nothing but junk food,

Yet I still manage to run the London Marathon every year,

That's because I'm the head of the organising committee...

[Raistlin]

I met a girl last night and she said that she'd only make love to me if I used protection,

So I put my knife to her throat...

[Raistlin]

My daughter was thrilled that I had bought her hamster a new tube in which it could explore,

Can't wait to see her face as I switch on the vacuum...

[Raistlin]

I think the economy is starting to effect my health,

My hair line is in recession,

My stomach is a victim of inflation,

Both these together are putting me into deep depression...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: 'Gary Glitter rumoured to be in talks over recording new material'

Well, it is nearly the school holidays...

[Raistlin]

My wife was feeling kinky and decided to stick the radio antenna from our white transit up her fanny,

She's developed some kind of Van Aerial disease...

[Raistlin]

My wife recons I'm getting far too lazy,

All I did was ask her to empty my recycle bin on my laptop...

[Raistlin]

Why do Ethiopians and Kenyans love running 26 mile marathons,

But they hate having to walk five miles for water...

[Raistlin]

Since I started working from home ... I have never missed a day

[Raistlin]

I was meant to be meeting up with a 15 year old today, I'm 36.

From a distance I could see her in a police uniform,

I thought isn't she a little old to be dressing up ?

[Raistlin]

I was walking through town late last night when three chavs tried to beat me up,

I did manage to knock one out though,

Not the best time for a wank, I know.

But it could've been my last opportunity...

[Raistlin]

I work as a security guard watching over Justin Bieber,

I need to keep watch for fans chasing him as well as individuals who may want to attack him,

I don't miss a thing.

Apart from the family and friends I used to have...

[Raistlin]

My mate told me that horses like Polos,

I find that really odd,

Wouldn't they have more leg room in something like a Passat ?

[Raistlin]

People who don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' really upset me,

I think their all stupid...

[Raistlin]

This girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions.

I just kept saying to myself, "Don't stare at her tits, don't stare at her tits."

Then she said, "Don't stare at who's tits ?"

[Raistlin]

The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I told the lady at the desk that I invented a folding bottle.

She asked me what I called it.

"A Fottle," I said.

"What else do you have ?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it ?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

[Raistlin]

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and looks at his wife,

And says, "This is the pig that I have to sleep with when you're not up for sex".

His wife replies, "I think you'll find thats a sheep",

The farmer says, "I think you'll find that I was talking to the sheep"...

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on double-entendres.

So the librarian gave him one...

[Raistlin]

I've recently passed my test, and have discovered that driving is a lot like wanking,

The faster you go the better it feels,

And your girlfriend will never be able to do it as well as you can...

[Raistlin]

The world can be such an unfair place,

Why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harrasment,

But when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £1.50 a minute ?

[Raistlin]

Nothing says, "I have a tiny penis" like waiting in line for a toilet cubicle when you're in a pub...

[Raistlin]

A is for Apple, and B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead. . .

Now,

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;

I is for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,

just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed.

And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed...

[Bizarra]

Copied, Pasted & sent to all Geriatrics of my acquaintance. Doesn't apply to me of course, :lol2: but should annoy them

[Raistlin]

Copied, Pasted & sent to all Geriatrics of my acquaintance. Doesn't apply to me of course, but should annoy them

Yes, you are only as old as the women you are currently feeling...

[Raistlin]

My wife was starting to get annoyed with me because of my mood swings,

So she got me one of those mood rings that change colour to suit your mood.

I thought it was pretty cool, when I'm in a good mood it turns green,

When I'm bored it turns black,

And when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on her forehead...