Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

ITN News: Gordon Brown has been overheard describing an exchange he had with a female voter as a "disaster", calling her a "bigoted woman".

Carlsberg don't do Conservative Political Broadcasts but if they did...

[KPARRIS-JONES]

A Priest books into a hotel and says to the receptionist. "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

She says "No sir, its just regular porn, you sick bastard ".

That was awesome! :lol2: More like that!

[Bizarra]

A Priest books into a hotel and says to the receptionist. "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

She says "No sir, its just regular porn, you sick bastard ".

That was awesome! :lol2: More like that!

See? We DO read your jokes Keep up the good work

[Raistlin]

I'm being charged with my wife's murder after she was found burned to death.

I've tried to claim that it was caused by spontaneous human combustion.

But apparently, that doesn't happen to people in the boot of a Ford Fiesta...

[Raistlin]

I opened a Mars bar today and you'll never guess what I discovered.

Martians love vodka...

[Raistlin]

The Sun Headline "McCanns: We've finally told the twins that Maddie has been taken".

Are the twins retarded ?

Where did they think she was, under the stairs ?

Don't they read the papers or talk to people ?

Just another sad indictment of the McCanns parenting skills.

[Raistlin]

Jordan admits that she's only slept with 10 men in her life.

She must have run out of fingers...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: Scientists have discovered all women contain intelligent DNA at some point in life.

Unfortunately 95% of them spit it back out again...

[Raistlin]

Apple have just confirmed that they fully support Gordon Brown in his campaign bid,

He'll receive his new iBall any day now...

[Raistlin]

My new girlfriend said that she wanted to have sex tonight but she keeps getting butterflys,

It's obviously that time of the moth...

[Raistlin]

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, So I helped myself.

No 'fence,

Nun taken...

[Raistlin]

There's a huge debt crisis in Greece.

Apparently they've got bills,

They're multiplying...

[Raistlin]

Yesterday Gordon Brown called me a bigot.

I was so shocked I nearly dropped my cheque from the Sun newspaper...

[Raistlin]

A woman called me an 'Exhibitionist'.

I was so shocked I dropped my trousers..

[Raistlin]

When I was a child this priest told me I was the cutest looking boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched...

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS : "McCanns say UK police 'given up' on Madeleine hunt"

Why should they bother searching when they couldn't be bothered to get a babysitter...

[Raistlin]

It's good to see McDonald's are printing a range of propaganda leaflets emphasising that their food can be part of a healthy, balanced diet,

There's nothing I like more than a quarter pounder with lies...

[Raistlin]

What's black and works ?

Gordon Brown's microphone...

What's gold and won't work next week ?

Gordon Brown's front door key...

[Raistlin]

Have you ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence can lead to a nice story ?

Here's an example:

Oh John please don't touch me at all...!

Oh John please don't touch me...!

Oh John please don't touch...!

Oh John please don't...!

Oh John please...!

Oh John..!

Ohhh......

[Raistlin]

I can't see an end,

I have no control and I don't think there's any escape,

I don't even have a home anymore,

Definitely time for a new keyboard...

[Raistlin]

I cycle to work in every morning and it makes me realise what it's like to be ginger,

People either don't see you or just pretend they don't see you...

[Raistlin]

A priest was explaining Catholic theology to me, and he said, "If I wasn't supposed to have sex with children, God wouldn't have made them so gullible..."

[Raistlin]

Gingers,

Because even fat people need to laugh...

[Raistlin]

I saw a loaf of Warbutons licking a supermarket window earlier.

It was inbread...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Jonathon Ross has been caught stealing kitchen utensils from Marks and Spencer,

hen questioned by police he said "It was a whisk I was prepared to take"...