Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Why don't Blonde's make good cattle herders.

Because they can never keep two calves together.

[Raistlin]

How do you confuse a blonde ?

You don't, they're born that way.

[Raistlin]

A business man got on an elevator in a building.

When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it ?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[Raistlin]

Two blonde's walk into a building...

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Raistlin]

Hear about the blonde who returned her new scarf to the shop ?

Because it was too tight.

[Raistlin]

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbour.

"Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract',"was the reply.

"He wasn't pregnant and I was."

[Raistlin]

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.

A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."

The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say ?"

The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."

"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus!, I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a Rooster fight ?

He enters a duck.

How can you tell if a Pole is present ?

He bets money on the duck.

How can you tell if an Italian is present ?

The duck wins.

[Raistlin]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £3000.00, Suit rental - £100.00.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pen knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[Raistlin]

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.

The brunette came in first, the redhead second.

The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked: "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

[Raistlin]

A little boy went up to his father and asked:

"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

[Raistlin]

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach ?

The cats keep covering them up with sand.

[Raistlin]

The Barber Shop This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

[Raistlin]

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counsellor.

After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.

He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow ?"

[Raistlin]

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law ?"

"I recognized the laugh" he replied.

[Raistlin]

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any fresh fruit ?"

"No."

"Got any fresh vegetables ?"

"No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns.

"Got any fresh fruit ?"

"No."

"Got any fresh vegetables ?"

"No, I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails ?"

"No."

"Got any fresh fruit ?"

[Raistlin]

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, You're right. How did you know ?

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

[Raistlin]

Barry took a girl out on her first date.

When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."

"Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you ?"

"No," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

"N-n-no," the girl replied.

"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the level about this."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the Blonde who went duck hunting ?

She didn't get any because she couldn't throw the dog high enough.

[Raistlin]

A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to have a heart transplant.

She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor:

Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the organ?

Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business?

Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that have to do with anything?

Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!

[Raistlin]

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:

"I can lick any man in the place!"

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

[Raistlin]

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?

Watch closely, I'm only going to do this once.

[Raistlin]

A bum asks a man for £ 5.00

The man asked, "Will you buy booze ?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away ?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

[Raistlin]

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.

One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.

David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.

He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.

Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David.

The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person.

The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.

David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry

[Raistlin]

Feminist's Fairytale

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."