Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Sky News states "The Stalking Victim Helpline has only one operator"

She works at 218 The Strand, London,

She starts work 9.30am until 16:00pm,

Her lunch is 12:45 till 13:30,

She goes to the cafe on the corner where she buys a latte and a cheese and tomato panini.

She then visitied the toilet at 14:10 for approx 3 minutes 22 seconds,

Her telephone number is 0300 636 0300,

I called her 27 times today...

[Raistlin]

People are so unfair on the Labour Party.

They have so many good ideas and policies to bring a brighter future to Britain yet voters seem determined to judge them on their last 13 years of government...

[Raistlin]

They told me I'm cynical,

But they would do, wouldn't they...

[Raistlin]

How many bigots does it take to change a lightbulb ?

No idea, she's too busy changing the outcome of the election...

[Raistlin]

Some bloke came up to me in the street earlier and asked if I would like to find out my "Tory name" which is Your grandmother's / grandfather's first name and the street you grew up in double barreled with your headmaster's surname.

I told him mine and had a laugh about it.

I continued my walk and a black bloke walked up to me, and asked me if I would like to know my Nigerian name.

I thought back to how funny my Tory name was and asked him how to figure out my Nigerian one.

"It is very simple sir, it is your mother's maiden name, bank name and your sort code "...

[Raistlin]

I went to the doctor, who after examinig me, said,

"I have good news and bad news, The good news is your penis is going to get three inches wider and four inches longer."

"Great! But what's the bad news?"

"It's malign"...

[Raistlin]

Manliness Test

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking

B. Screwing

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss SKY Sports.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. £100 extra.

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. No big concern of yours.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth

B. An oxymoron

C. A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. Appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."

B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."

C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.

C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Scoring Guide:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "You Da Man !"

[Raistlin]

SKY News: "Brown to 'Dig Deeper' before poll"

For Petes sake Gordon, I think you've dug deep enough...

[Raistlin]

I'd quite like to open a cannabis cafe in Amsterdam,

But it will never happen.

It's just a pipe dream...

[Raistlin]

I just typed 'blow job' into Google search & hit 'I'm feeling lucky'

Hey, when you're Ginger, anything is worth a try...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend says that I'm a hypochondriac,

I'm not sure what that is but It's probably fatal...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: An Eskimo in the North Pole has been arrested under suspicion of rape,

The Police want to know what he was doing on the night between September and March...

[Raistlin]

I have a six pack,

But unfortunatly I've lost that plastic bit that holds them together...

[Raistlin]

Spiderman isnt the only one with sticky fingers after being on the web...

[Raistlin]

Gordon Brown has promised to keep one eye on the Economy and one eye on the Immigration problem.

I can't help but notice a major flaw in your plan there, Gordon...

[Raistlin]

Recession is when your neighbour loses his job.

Depression is when you lose your job.

Recovery is when Gordon Brown loses his...

[Raistlin]

Gordon Brown has said the recent polls haven't worried him at all.

He stated, "They're doing a lovely job on my kitchen."

[Raistlin]

73% of men don't know what a cookie is,

But 99% know how to delete them...

[Raistlin]

Two policemen knocked on my door earlier and asked me to come down to the station to help them with their enquiries.

I told them No, I mean, it's not like they ever pop into my office to give me a helping hand with the accounts...

[Raistlin]

"My magic watch says you aren't wearing any underwear",

"Yes I am !"

"It must be an hour fast then"...

[Raistlin]

I got soaked when I went to a pet obedience class the other day.

It was training cats and dogs...

[Bizarra]

IRISH VIRGINITY TEST KIT

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If your bride says "Thats the strangest pair of balls I have ever seen...........................

You hit her with the shovel!!!

[Raistlin]

MSN News: Four members of the French National Football team could face prison after allegations of having sex with an underage prostitute.

Apparently Carlsberg do do football news...

[Raistlin]

Today on Blue Peter we have something made by 8 year old Han,

My trainers...

[Raistlin]

I'm an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.

You should taste my Panda jam...