Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I was in a bar yesterday when a older woman came up to me, a cougar, and offered to buy me a drink.

I thought about it - briefly - and said yes.

We chatted for a bit, before she asked me back to her place.

I thought about it - briefly- and said yes.

At her place, she dimmed the lights, put some music on, and gave me some wine.

When I was a bit tipsy, she asked me "How would you like a little mother-daughter threesome ?".

I thought about it - briefly - and said yes.

She smiled. "Great, Mum"...

[Raistlin]

I put my boxer shorts on the wrong way last night.

It was embarrassing when I went in the pub toilets.

A bloke said "Why you got boxer shorts on your head ?"

[Raistlin]

NBC News: "Times Square car bomb could have been 'Very Deadly', says New York Mayor Bloomberg".

Thank God he pointed that out to us, otherwise we'd all be living with a serious misapprehension about the nature of explosives...

[Raistlin]

Our local police force has stepped up measures to force drivers to slow down when passing horses.

I think its a good idea.

Now I have an excuse to look at some really young, fit girls with whips in their hand...

[Raistlin]

If it all comes down to the highest number of ex's in a box,

Then surely the next Prime Minister will be Katie Price...

[Raistlin]

A white witch moved in next door yesterday.

She's great !

I've just given her £500 for a bottle of her anti-gullibility potion...

[Raistlin]

My friend and I had to choose between joining the local Shakespeare evening classes or becoming hardcore ravers,

Safe to say, Now is the winter of our disco tents...

[Raistlin]

I am fed up with all those teenage hotties going on FaceBook and uploading half naked pictures of themselves,

Why can't they just be completely naked...

[Raistlin]

I phoned a child abuse line yesterday,

I got told to piss off by a nine-year old...

[Raistlin]

Definition of Irony: Katie Price

The girl who has been banged more times then a taxi door claims not to be a slag...

[Raistlin]

You know, putting up a tent is like making love to a beautiful woman.

You undo the zip, pop in your pole, and slip into the old bag...

[Raistlin]

This is for someone special in my life.

Jenny, we've been together so long, and I know you check this site every day.

So it makes sense to propose to you now, right here.

Anal ?

[Raistlin]

Now he's been acquited, I see no reason why Peter Harvey should not go back to his old job ...

He's had eight months to get over his stress,

The school is short of a teacher,

The original kid is still in hospital and let's be assured,

The rest of the class won't mess about anymore...

[Raistlin]

And Higgins screws back down the table to take the green...

[Raistlin]

Apparently Jordan is branching out again, and is going to start up her own airline, Easyslut,

Although to be honest, she wouldn't have much trouble taking off herself.

Seeing as her flaps are bigger than most planes...

[Raistlin]

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said.

"I'll make you a deal... you go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy."

I replied "Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once..."

[Raistlin]

I clicked on a link called 'Bald and Barely Legal' yesterday.

Unzipping and firming up, I waited for the page to load.

It was a Department of Transport website talking about car tyres...

[Raistlin]

A LOVE STORY

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge, he asked her,

"What did you steal ?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can ?

She replied "6."

The judge then said "I will then give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[Raistlin]

Steve drove his expensive car into a tree, Just to found out how his Mercedes bends...

[Raistlin]

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's table

It was Sir Cumference,

He acquired his size from too much pi...

[Raistlin]

Gary Glitter says he is just misunderstood.

Which is true,

They dont speak much english in Vietnam...

[Raistlin]

I went to a restaurant a couple of nights ago and ordered the finest steak they had to offer.

As I was eating it I couldn't help but think "Wow, this steak is better than sex !"

Then last night while I was having sex I had a follow up thought.

"Cheaper, too..."

[Raistlin]

Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Thus, they wrote a song for him in celebration and got Julie Andrews to sing it,

It went "Super-calloused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis..."

[Raistlin]

I knew it was going to be a great blowjob when she put a breathe easy nasal strip on...

[Raistlin]

Marijuana interferes with short-term memory so that the users forget what they just said or did.

Not only that, Marijuana interferes with short-term memory so that the users forget what they just said or did...