Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I broke up with my girlfriend last night.

Crying her eyes out, her mascara streamed down her face as she buried her head in my chest.

I was devastated.

I had my favourite white shirt on...

[Raistlin]

John Torode and Greg Wallace have just been spotted in the stands of today's Woman's FA cup final.

Rumour has it they're scouting for this summers Woman's World Cup,

or to give it its proper name:

Masterchef...

[Raistlin]

I can sympathise for a lot of the priests who committed sexual offences.

Most of them started out as altar boys and got sucked into it...

[Raistlin]

Duane Jackson, a T shirt vendor in NYC alerted police to an abandoned Sports Utility vehicle which was found to be containing a potentially very dangerous terrorist bomb yesterday.

'I just went over to the window and peered in, I tried the handle, and heard a click click click noise; so I called the police.'

Nice cover story for going up and "testing the handle" of an empty car.

Thieving git...

[Raistlin]

Whilst walking in the park earlier, I came across Crimewatch filming a reconstruction scene which appeared to show an elderly gentleman attempt to sexually assault a teenage girl.

Of course, it goes without saying that I'm more than willing to assist the police in their enquiries, so I approached the senior officer overseeing the filming and informed him that to make the scene more accurate, the actor playing the old man should actually be wearing a blue shirt and slightly darker trousers...

[Raistlin]

A Manchester United fan and a Manchester City fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with respective football stickers on their own windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the United fan says,

"So you're a City fan, that's interesting. I'm a United fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and [...]

Reveal the rest of this jokeA Manchester United fan and a Manchester City fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with respective football stickers on their own windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the United fan says,

"So you're a City fan, that's interesting. I'm a United fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The City fan replied,"I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The United fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the City fan. The United fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the United fan. The United fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the City fan.

The City fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The United fan replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

[Bizarra]

The Korean Hotel

Ordering Breakfast at the Koreana Hotel, downtown Seoul.

Be warned, you’re going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997". A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G : "Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G : "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G : "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

G : "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G : "I don’t think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what "judo one toes" means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying "Toast." Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G : "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G : "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G : "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You’re welcome"

[Raistlin]

Vic was telling me that he wishes more women were like golf caddies,

Either holding his balls or getting his tee ready...

[Raistlin]

I went to the pet shop and asked for a Wasp,

The guy said ''We dont sell Wasps''

So I said ''but you've got one in the window''...

[Raistlin]

I travelled to Japan last year and got myself a discount prostitute.

She loved me moderate time...

[Raistlin]

An Eskimo on a driving holiday in Wales when his car breaks down,

He calls out the AA and the mechanic says "You've blown a seal"

The Eskimo replies "Yeh and you shag sheep but what's wrong with the car ?"

[Raistlin]

Steven Gerrard has apologised this morning for his unprofessional backpass.

He said, whilst the Ukrainians would pay him this time, he wasn't to make it so obvious in future...

[Raistlin]

Sheffield Wednesday have announced their new signing

He's from Korea and called Lee Gwan ...

[Raistlin]

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic.

Driving to work this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in an Audi doing 65 miles an hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye-liner,

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver onto my coffee ,and it spilled all over my mobile phone...

[Raistlin]

Apple have decided to release an app specifically for Gordon Brown, to keep him updated on his current problems, and help him fix them.

They are calling it the iPatch...

[Raistlin]

I was having a massage yesterday when I asked the girl "Do you do extras ?"

She leant down, kissed my ear and whispered "of course, sweetheart"

"Great!" I said, reaching for my phone.

"What are you doing ?" she asked

"Calling my mate Steve," I replied,

"He's been in the Emmerdale a few times"...

[Raistlin]

My wife found some sexy pictures of my ex on my iPhone.

There's a slap for that...

[Raistlin]

I was in church the other day and a middle age woman lit up a cigarette right in the middle of prayers,

I couldn't believe it, I nearly dropped my beer...

[Raistlin]

Unbelievable, Only Liverpool could get away with this.

The BBC has reported that Athletico Madrid fielded an unregistered player during the two games against Liverpool in the Europa League.

This mean that as Athletico are disqualified, Liverpool are through to the final by default. Liverpool appealed to UEFA and their horrid season may actually have a consolation in the end...

Carlsberg don't do BBC Sport reports for delusional Reds fans.

But, if they did...

[Raistlin]

I'm going to have to turn off Sky News,

They've been on about that Times Square terrorist all day long and every time they say 'Faisal Shahzad' a magic cave opens in my living room wall...

[Raistlin]

Sheffield Wednesday have announced that anyone found to have been causing trouble after Sundays match will be banned from watching the team ever again.

So far 23,000 have handed themselves in to Police...

[Raistlin]

I got some flowers for my wife on my way home tonight,

Not a bad swap...

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't do fat, ugly, vulnerable birds who are getting more and more desperate by the second in the realization that they'll be going home alone tonight, unlike all of her friends,

But I do...

[Raistlin]

Me and my girlfriend fancied a trip to the seaside and five minutes after walking on the sand she started giving me a blow job.

I love Beachy Head...

[Raistlin]

I went to a fancy dress party last night with nothing on but a jam jar over my privates,

A women walked up to me and said "What the hell are you meant to be ?"

I said " A Fireman of course",

"In case of an emergency break the glass, Pull, and I will come as fast as I can"...