Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

If I had a pound for everytime I've been accused of rape,

I'd be able to afford a much better solicitor...

[Raistlin]

Just got back from Korea.

Beautiful country, lovely people.

But their idea of a Slush Puppy, is a lot different to ours....

[Raistlin]

A woman is shopping at a grocery store.

She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots.

She goes to the checkout line., "You must be single." the clerk says.

Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell ?".

"Because you're ugly"...

[Raistlin]

I walked in on my daughter totally naked in her bedroom and I couldn't help but have a stoke,

I was found on the floor short of breath with dribble down my chin...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is getting a bit chubby,

So I've bought her some running gear so she can go jogging.

And I can change the locks...

[Raistlin]

All people go on about to day is oral sex, blow job this and blow job that,

Personally I am sick of it rammed down my throat...

[Raistlin]

It was pouring down when I dived into the newsagents for a paper.

"Wow, it's really coming down" I remarked.

"Tell me about it" said the shopkeeper.

10 minutes later I was still explaining the water cycle as he threw me out into the street...

[Raistlin]

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender:

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tyre is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying...

[Raistlin]

A mad axe murderer climbed in through my bedroom window last night.

I was a little scared at first but after realising there were no mad axes around he apologised and went on his way...

[Raistlin]

I phoned a builder the other day, I said I want a skip outside my house,

He replied " Well I'm not stopping you"...

[Raistlin]

My ex-girlfriend could not take criticism.

At least, that was the basic theme of her suicide note...

[Raistlin]

You can say what you like about the NHS, I think they're brilliant and I'll definitely be voting Mr Brown,

At this moment I'm in A & E with a damaged retina and the doctor's just told me that that's to labour I'll be getting a free Ipad.

[Raistlin]

THE SUN: Britain is only one step away from Greece.

So why did it cost me five hundred quid to get there ?...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: ''Nigel Farage injured in aircraft crash on election day.''

Apparently it was a publicity Stunt Plane...

[Raistlin]

I've decided I might as well vote,

I might as well as I'm hanging around this Primary school anyway...

[Raistlin]

Just saw the news that the former UKIP leader has been involved in a plane crash whilst trying to get out of Europe,

Talk about irony...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Accident investigators have identified the cause of Nigel Farage's plane crash as resulting from a problem with construction ,

Too right wings...

[Raistlin]

Gareth Barry - £12m

Roque Santa Cruz - £17.5m

Joleon Lescott - £22m

Emanual Adebeyor - £25m

Carlos Tevez - £30m

Kolo Toure - £16m

Adam Johnson - £7m

Robinho - £32m

Craig Bellamy - £14m

Shaun Wright-Phillips - £9m

Wayne Bridge - £12m

Manchester City not qualifying for the Champions League . . . Priceless.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Nigerian President Umaru Yar'Adua has died after an illness.

I was devastated to hear this.

He was supposed to be paying me thirty-four million pounds tomorrow...

[Raistlin]

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,

snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

Defrost the chicken...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend and I were walking through town earlier when I fell over in the middle of a crowded street.

I picked myself up and tried to laugh it off saying, "If you can't laugh at yourself, then who can you laugh at?"

"Disabled people." she said.

The wedding is next month...

[Raistlin]

I sat down for dinner with my wife and I could see, as she prodded her food with her fork, that she wasn't very happy.

To cheer her up I asked her is she would like to go on holiday.

She sighed, "It doesn't really matter."

"Oh, come on love. Of course it does. Do you fancy a beach break in the sun or maybe shopping in New York? How about a cruise ?" I asked, trying to get her interest.

She said, "No, you don't understand. It doesn't really matter because I got the results of some tests back and I only have two weeks to live."

Stunned into silence I let the enormity of what she said try to sink in for a minute.

I looked at my beautiful wife, staring down morosely, picking at her food and tried to comprehend what she must be feeling.

I eventually found my voice.

"Do you want that egg ?"

[Raistlin]

I'm glad to see that the voting system works.

I voted for no one, and no one won...

[Raistlin]

My wife was killed when she was crushed by a marble fireplace,

The inquest recorded that she suffered a hearth attack...

[Raistlin]

I had a really sore throat the other day, so my mate suggesting sucking on a fisherman's friend.

Now I'm not allowed within fifty meters of the local bait shop...