Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Nick Griffin and a bus ?

A bus has got seats...

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS: Labour and Lib Dems not to join due to Brown and Clegg never seeing eye to eye.

I think we all know whos fault that is...

[Raistlin]

Little girls love playing with glitter.

The feeling is mutual...

[Raistlin]

My Bulimic girlfriend bet me that I couldn't cure her condition.

In the end I made her eat humble pie...

[Raistlin]

My teacher said, "If you drop an Apple it falls to the ground, What event causes this to happen ?".

I said, "Your wife has gone through your internet history "...

[Raistlin]

Political irony:

When your "Battle Bus" has more seats than your Party...

[Raistlin]

I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, shirt, trousers and underwear, then I crept upstairs very quietly,

It was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on a bus...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a Beaver and a Badger ?

About 30 years...

[Raistlin]

My missus sent me shopping today she told me to go and buy her something that made her look sexy,

I came back with 2 litres of vodka and a case of Stella...

[Raistlin]

I'm a Catholic Preist,

And stained glass windows were my idea...

[Raistlin]

Whats the quickest way to clean a dead prostitutes blood off a bed ?

No seriously, my wife is due back in 10 minutes...

[Raistlin]

How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

None.

They all sit in the dark crying...

[Raistlin]

Mathematical puns are the first sine of madness...

[Raistlin]

I think my car has a leak in the petrol tank.

A year ago, twenty quid's worth of petrol would last me a fortnight.

Now it barely lasts a week...

[Raistlin]

Chelsea will pick their star of the season...

By the looks of things at the moment, the referee is winning, with an offside goal and penalty.

[Raistlin]

Nothing says "I was up late watching TV porn" more than turning the TV on in the morning to BBC1 with no volume...

[Raistlin]

I have the body of a supermodel,

Hopefully the Police won't find out...

[Raistlin]

My best mate has a tattoo that says 'Carpe Diem' which I thought was ironic considering his epilepsy...

[Raistlin]

The Labour party have fittingly announced they wish to form a rainbow coalition,

I wonder how long it'll take Gordon to realise there is no Brown in a rainbow...

[Raistlin]

Just got one of those new ADHD televisions,

The picture's great but you have to change channel every ten seconds...

[Raistlin]

I'm not going to my Dogging Anonymous meetings again.

I felt sure I was being watched...

[Raistlin]

My mate Frodo was killed in Afghanistan after being hit by a RPG and twenty 7.62mm AK rounds.

I guess old hobbits die hard.

[Raistlin]

My mate said after three years, he was sick of the travelling to Manchester,

It's not easy when you change the team you support,

To be fair, he had made a special effort when he finally got back to London last night, to join us celebrating in his new Chelsea shirt,

With Mark Webber's name on the back...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: 'Lab mice show pain on their faces'

And all these years we thought they enjoyed being tortured...

[Raistlin]

My wife caught me in bed with my mistress yesterday.

I protested, "Look, she means nothing to me."

Thankfully, my mistress believed me...