Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I Travelled over to Iceland by Car Ferry last week.

When I arrived the Sat Nav said "You have now reached your 'Dusty Nation'...

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between "No No No" and "Mmmm Mmmm Mmm" ?

Ducktape...

[Raistlin]

Sky Weekend News:

A teenager stabbed to death outside tube station whilst defending his girlfriend,

Police were asked to confirm the nationality of the brave youngster.

They said "Definitenly not French "

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't do politics,

Shame really...

[Raistlin]

What's a West Ham fan's favourite cheese ?

You're Gone Zola...

[Raistlin]

I posed naked for a magazine yesterday.

It was very demeaning and I've been banned from going near that newsagency again...

[Raistlin]

Two Asian drug addicts injected themselves with curry powder by mistake,

They are both are in intensive care,

One has a dodgy Tikka, the other is in a Korma...

[Raistlin]

Two Jewish men go to the Chelsea season ticket desk and ask for a season ticket each.

The clerk asks if they are circumcised, to which they reply,'Yes of course'

The clerk then says 'Sorry, I can't sell you these as you have to be a complete knob to be a Chelsea fan...

[Raistlin]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly"...

[Raistlin]

You don't know what you have untill it's gone.

I learnt this the hard way when my wife divorced me.

She got the plasma...

[Raistlin]

Doorbells,

Don't knock it until you've tried it...

[Raistlin]

An Electron walks into a bar and asks for a glass of wine.

"Thats £2.50 please" says the barman

The Electron gives him a five pound note and says keep the change.

"Are you sure ?" says the barman

"I'm positive." says the Electron...

[Raistlin]

I accidentally left my toy cars in my jeans yesterday.

They came out of the washer looking brand new,

Turns out,, Micro Machines live longer with Calgon....

[Raistlin]

Stephen Hawking, regarded by many as the worlds most intelligent man.

And I'm not far behind him.

I'm the guy who pushes his wheelchair...

[Raistlin]

It's amazing how many women I've pulled since I became a Fireman,

Upon reflection I suppose Fireman does sound sexier than Arsonist...

[Raistlin]

I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit.

Then I made a run for it...

[Raistlin]

I stopped at a service station and asked the cashier at the window for a Galaxy,

She came back with a Milky Way...

[Raistlin]

I could tell you all there is to know about Atoms,

But I dont want to Bohr you...

[Raistlin]

Don't you think it's ironic that homeless people are always drinking a beverage called "Super Tenants"...

[Raistlin]

SKY NEWS: Five dead as 'Tornadoes' strike in Oklahoma.

Finally, it's about time the RAF started shooting back...

[Raistlin]

I'm hard at work right now,

It's bring your daughter to the firm day...

[Raistlin]

The wife just came up to bed and asked if I wanted her to 'slip into something that will make me smile.'

''A coma ?'' I replied.

A night on the sofa it is then...

[Raistlin]

I sent my washing to the cleaners the other day with a note enclosed "Use more soap powder on the pants".

When the laundry came back there was another note attached saying "Use more paper on arse"...

[Raistlin]

I bought the wife a fur coat for our anniverasary, it was made from the skins of over two thousand Hamsters,

We went away to Blackpool for a so called romantic weekend,

Not much romance though, I couldn't get her off the big wheel for two days...

[Raistlin]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman ?

None...