Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My new Thai bride arrived the other day and we're getting along great.

Even though she doesn't understand a word of English and has to just gesture for things, I'm pretty sure she love me long mime...

[Raistlin]

How do you give a ginger girl an orgasm ?

Talk to her...

[Raistlin]

My Asian girlfriend says I grow impressive herbs,

She love me long thyme...

[Raistlin]

While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied: "I'm late for work."

To which he asked: "What do you do ?"

I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"

The policeman was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do ?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole ?"

To which I politely replied : "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Penalty Points : 3

Court costs: £45.00

Look on the policeman's face,

Priceless...

[Raistlin]

I looked out of my window last night and I seen four lads with Liverpool shirts on, playing football with a hedgehog,

To say I was disgusted was an understatement,

I was just about to ring the RSPCA when the hedgehog went 1-0 up...

[Raistlin]

I asked an American Indian what his wife's name was,He replied, "She's called Five Horses"

I said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean ?"

The old Indian answered, "It's an old Indian name that means "NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG"...

[Raistlin]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair...

[Raistlin]

My Asian girlfriend enjoys my musical door bell, despite it going on for ages,

She love my long chime...

[Raistlin]

My Chinese girlfriend helped me clean my dope pipe,

She loved my bong slime...

[Raistlin]

I walked into a shop and bought a bottle of baby oil, a pack of condoms, a bottle of value vodka and a pack of Haribo.

The lady said, "Look, I'm sorry but I just can't serve you that, I'm calling the police."

I raged at her, "Just because I order these items, doesn't mean you have to jump to the worst conclusions"

She calmly replied, "Actually, I'm afraid we do Mr Glitter."

[Raistlin]

Ex-Chelsea player Claude Makelele's girlfriend found in woods after failed suicide attempt,

This just isn't any failed suicide attempt,

This is an M&S failed suicide attempt...

[Bizarra]

Bad News

A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion." "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?"

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

[Bizarra]

Religious Bear

One night in the middle of a darkened forest, a hunter tried to confront a huge mean bear. In his fear, all of his attempts to shoot the bear proved unsuccessful.

Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. He kept running and running until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. He looked dismayed...his hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in on him quickly, the hunter flopped down on his knees, opened his arms and proclaimed "Dear God Almighty! Please give this bear some Religion!"

The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few yards short of the hunter, the bear came to a sudden stop and glanced around, looking somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I am about to receive..."

[Bizarra]

Constipated Horse

A farmer goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet replies, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

The farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

The farmer responds, "The horse blew first."

[Bizarra]

Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[Raistlin]

Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles ?

Because his wife's dead...

[Raistlin]

My self-confidence has just taken a pounding from an insomniac,

She told me I was the man of her dreams...

[Raistlin]

I booked an Asian prostitute last night, but she arrived two hours late,

She loved me wrong time...

[Raistlin]

The Internet Watch Foundation announces there are at least 450 sites making money from Child Porn,

It just goes to show,

Where there's Glitter, there's gold...

[Raistlin]

This new "In Private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish.

Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking...

[Raistlin]

We got a new TV at work today.

I thought it was just an ugly woman in a garish frock with too much make up on...

[Raistlin]

I asked my Asian girlfriend to love me like her favourite monkey.

She love me Kong time...

[Raistlin]

A school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, The British Prime Minister , speaking from his new office before jetting off to America said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

[Raistlin]

My mate just gave me a really old sewing machine to see if I could get it to work,

To be honest it seams OK...

[Raistlin]

My mum had just announced she is going to move to Spain.

On my way to saying goodbye, I suddenly realised I hadn't got her any flowers or even a card.

Luckily when I pulled up in a lay-by for a quick jimmy someone else had left some flowers behind with a note in better handwriting than mine saying;

"Love you Mum, always will, you will be missed xxx"

Talk about luck...