Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I'm Sir Thomas Crapper.

And not excreting out of the Window was my idea...

[Raistlin]

A blonde goes into a laundrette and asks to have her sweater cleaned.

The laundrette attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again ?"

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just Mustard this time"...

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a bar and gets served,

Obviously not a Wetherspoons pub then...

[Raistlin]

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

Just Juan...

[Raistlin]

Sky News: DJ Chris Evans buys £12m Ferrari

"Chris try as you might to impress us, your still a ginger ?"

[Raistlin]

My mate was in hospital last week having a mole removed from his willy,

Bet he won't try shagging one of those again...

[Raistlin]

I found a month old banana in my cupboard the other day.

It was awful,

The last time I saw a fruit that badly bruised he was floating in Michael Barrymore's pool...

[Raistlin]

So, my girlfriend finally agreed to have anal sex.

We were in the bedroom last night and she asked me "Well, are you ready for some back door action ?"

I was just "Hell yeah!" and then she pulled out this strap-on thing.

That's when I thought "Wait a minute..."

[Raistlin]

BBC News: A recent survey found that one in three work related incidents go unreported.

How do they know ?...

[Raistlin]

Just rang Dominos Pizza and ordered a thin and crusty supreme,

Diana Ross turned up...

[Raistlin]

Hundreds of conductors have been involved in a disturbance at classical concert festival.

Police think it may have been orchestrated...

[Raistlin]

I've just bought an air freshener and on the side of the can it says,

Aroma: Neutral.

It doesn't make scents...

[Raistlin]

I was supposed to go on a date last night, and the girl I was meeting called me this morning, very upset that I didn't show up.

I said, "Sorry about that, I suffer from premature ejaculation."

"Well that's very unfortunate," she replied, "but if you were embarrased about something you could have turned up and explained it to me."

"I wasn't embarrased about it," I explained, "I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant, and suddenly didn't see the point in paying for your dinner."

[Raistlin]

Ten million people watched BBC coverage of David Cameron becoming PM.

No wonder it got good ratings.

Glum faces, grey London skies, an old queen.

Most people still thought they were watching EastEnders...

[Raistlin]

Sting speaks about how he can go for hours with a woman without him reaching an orgasm.

I used to go out with a girl that ugly...

[Raistlin]

I can't believe I fell asleep at the wheel last night,

My pottery is ruined...

[Raistlin]

I was at the airport the other day and I went into the caffe to buy a cup of tea, there was a Rabbi infront of me and I noticed that he wasn't charged for his tea, but they charged me £1.20.

I asked the man behind the counter why I had to pay but he didn't,

The man pointed to a sign that read 'Duty Free'...

[Raistlin]

I was in B&Q the other day with my friend who steals, and I told him that he had a genetic predisposition to theft.

He took a fence...

[Raistlin]

Just watching the FA Cup final and it's sad to see that even David James' job has been taken by a couple of poles...

[Raistlin]

I just bought a bag of Walkers Ethiopian World Cup crisps,

It was empty...

[Raistlin]

My wife told me that if I could make her come five times with my tongue then she would let me have anal sex,

I've just called her in from the kitchen for the third time and she still hasn't twigged...

[Raistlin]

My wife was unimpressed with my performance in bed the other night, and she said "Call yourself a lover ?"

I thought, "That's generous of you" and went and got my phone...

[Raistlin]

I hope our bid for the 2018 world cup is successful,

I've always wondered what it would be like to have people coming over here from all over the world...

[Raistlin]

The early bird catches the worm,

Archeopteryx...

[Raistlin]

My wife asked me last night " When you go away on your golf trips, do you think about me ? "

"Only if I don't want to cum too quick" was not the answer she was looking for...