Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Yahoo News Headline - "Woman charged for MP stabbing".

I wonder how much and could she give me a quote to do Katie Price...

[Raistlin]

I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.

I'd better lilo...

[Raistlin]

Two archaeologists were at an ice age excavation, when all of a sudden they unearthed an enormous find that was going to take months to clean, dig out safely and protect.

They had a mammoth tusk ahead of them...

[balli hi]

NEW AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY,

2002 AEROPLANE BLONDE

One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BADLY PACKED KEBAB

A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia

BEER COAT

The invisible, but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze

cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a

booze cruise, even though you're too ****** to remember where you live,

how you got there, and where you've come from.

BRUCE LEE

Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG The female erection.

DOUBLE BASS

A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her

Budgie's tongue with the other.

[Raistlin]

It's a sad day for Swansea fans.

They live in Swansea...

[Raistlin]

Dimitar Berbatov had a meeting arranged with Alex Ferguson to talk about his current form,

He missed that too...

[balli hi]

A guy walks into a bar. "Gimme a double," he says... So they cloned him.

[Raistlin]

I keep hearing these Motherwell FC fans celebrating and saying "We're in Europe again!".

Poor buggers, don't even know they've always been in Europe.

Actually the Motherwell FC fans are banned from Europe after the last time they qualified when they wrecked the ferry.

They ripped the sails down and threw the cannons over the side.

[Raistlin]

I'm having my holiday in Jordan this year,

I love the wide open spaces...

[Raistlin]

Give a man rope enough and he will hang himself.

Give a Scout a rope...

[Raistlin]

As a treat I suggested to my wife we get a new kitchen,

She said she already "felt a connection" with our current kitchen

That would be the chain, love...

[Raistlin]

I just don't get it...

Man United fans watch Man United TV,

Chelsea fans watch Chelsea TV,

Arsenal fans watch Arsenal TV,

But why do Liverpool fans watch the History Channel ?

[Raistlin]

Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir.

Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airline."

So his father bought him United Airlines.

The next year, the baron asked the same question.

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

His father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

The next year, his son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios.

His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, asked, "Daddy, I would also like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

His father bought him Liverpool Football Club...

[Bizarra]

Education

A teacher explains to her class that she is a New Labour supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were New Labour supporter too.

Not really knowing what a New Labour supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I’m not a New Labour supporter."

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"Why I’m a proud Conservative," boasts the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a Conservative.

"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are Conservatives, and I am a Conservative too."

The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That’s no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She pauses, and lets out a smile.

"Then," Lucy says, "I’d be a New Labour supporter."

[Bizarra]

Telesales

When you receive that phone call ...

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my back is killing me, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If BT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can’t sell to employees.

[Bizarra]

Aviation Fuel

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings… It’s Jim.

Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”

Yeah, well there’s just one thing…”

“What’s that?”

“Have you farted yet?” “No…..”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!!!”

[Bizarra]

Womens World Conference

At the Women’s World Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years’ conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years" conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his washing and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years" conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

[Bizarra]

The perfect couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it’s worth it)

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

[Bizarra]

Sex Doll

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll.

The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?"

Confused the man says "What’s the difference?"

"Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"

[Bizarra]

Mexican Jews

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?’

Al replies, "I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.’

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?’

The waiter says, "I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.

"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor,the cook say no Mexican Jews.’

Al isn’t satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?’

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor!’and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.’

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.’

"Are you certain?" Al asks again.

"I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!’

"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.

[Raistlin]

Search results for rape

Whats this about ?

[balli hi]

[Bizarra]

Search results for rape

Whats this about ?

Oooops [again] I didn't check the post & I'd overcopied & pasted

I won't reoffend, Your Honour

Not until the next time, anyway

[balli hi]

Special Daiquiri

Doctor Clarke always stopped at his local pub after work for a hazelnut daiquiri [a special drink the bartender created just for him].

One day, the Dermot, barman ran out of hazelnut flavour so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

Doctor Clarke took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri. Dermot!'

'No, I'm sorry', replied Dermot the barkeeper, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'

[Raistlin]

Special Daiquiri

Doctor Clarke always stopped at his local pub after work for a hazelnut daiquiri [a special drink the bartender created just for him].

One day, the Dermot, barman ran out of hazelnut flavour so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

Doctor Clarke took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri. Dermot!'

'No, I'm sorry', replied Dermot the barkeeper, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'

Writing a good joke is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Some people will just never achieve it...