Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife has just cooked two eggs that I stole from the local farmer,

They were poached...

[balli hi]

The nearest dog costume looks very realistic, but the blue one needs a bit more work.

[Raistlin]

The nearest dog costume looks very realistic, but the blue one needs a bit more work.

Chelsea fan ??

[Raistlin]

Sometimes, it's very difficult to know how to take girls.

You hardly ever see them on their own, nowadays...

[Raistlin]

My misses is great at blowjobs but she hates it when I grunt or make a noise,

I can't moan really...

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't do maths problems.

But if they did, there would be a high probability that they would be the numerically greatest arithmetical equations in the natural domain...

[Raistlin]

A new game is being released for Xbox .

It's based in a synagogue and involves shouting for refreshments.

Call of Jew Tea will be on sale from next week...

[Raistlin]

In a lesbian relationships, who makes who the sandwich ?

No-one.

Everybody knows lesbians eat out...

[Raistlin]

A lemon walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager.

The barman pours him a drink and hands it to him.

The lemon takes a sip and says: "That's bitter."

The barman replies: "Now you're being hypocritical"...

[Raistlin]

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

He gets to one house where the bin hasnt been left out so he has a quick look for it, as hes on a bonus for bins emptied he goes round the back but still cant see it so he knocks on the door.

Theres no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the happy jappy chappy.

"Alright mate, wheres your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and says "No mate, wheres ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man

"Mate" says the dustman... "youre misunderstanding me...Wheres your wheely bin?"

"OK, OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank"

[Raistlin]

Tescos home delivery - Making sure your wife never has to leave the kitchen since 2003.

Every little helps...

[Raistlin]

KP's girlfriend kept going "Ssshhhhh!" during sex, last night.

He think's she might have a puncture...

[balli hi]

The nearest dog costume looks very realistic, but the blue one needs a bit more work.

Chelsea fan ??

With the price of a chelsea season ticket , what you expect

[balli hi]

Special Daiquiri

Doctor Clarke always stopped at his local pub after work for a hazelnut daiquiri [a special drink the bartender created just for him].

One day, the Dermot, barman ran out of hazelnut flavour so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

Doctor Clarke took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri. Dermot!'

'No, I'm sorry', replied Dermot the barkeeper, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'

Writing a good joke is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Some people will just never achieve it...

what a load of bollards

[Raistlin]

I missed my bus this morning.

I really shouldn't get so sentimental about public transport...

[Raistlin]

When I was a kid, mum used to send me to the shops with 50p.

I could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book.

You can't do that nowadays though, bloody CTV...

[Raistlin]

I was working in a library and this guy comes up to me and asked, "Do you have a bookmark ?"

I replied, "Yes, we have plenty ......but my name's Allan"

[Raistlin]

I see McDonald's are running their "Tastes of America" promotion.

So, burgers and chips then...

[Raistlin]

My brother received a medal for cooking the best food to go with pitta bread, unfortunately he died before he could ever accept it.

It was a post hummus award...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Men tell more lies than women"

No we don't...

[Raistlin]

A police sticker on a petrol pump read, failure to pay is theft and could result in prosecution.

Underneath some wag added, and charging £1.30 a litre is daylight robbery...

[Raistlin]

My new boss just asked me to go to Woolworths to get him a tin of striped paint.

I'm not falling for that though.

Woolies closed down ages ago...

[Raistlin]

Two nuns are being gang raped when the first nun says "Forgive them Lord, they are not evil, they just don't know what they are doing"

"Oh I dunno" says the second nun "This ones doing pretty good"...

[Raistlin]

Me and my mate had to do a nature collection project for school.

He finished his early but I ran out of time, so I took a leaf out of his book.

[Raistlin]

"BBC NEWS: John Shepherd-Barron -The man who invented the first ATM cash machine has died, "

His family plan to bury him in a hole in the wall...