Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

[Calisto]

Excellent work!!!!! keep it up!!!!

[chatman]

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

took me twice to read this one :lol: :lol:

[Raistlin]

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.

Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

"Will I be acquitted?"

[Raistlin]

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"

The man was a real smart alec and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"

The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

[Raistlin]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while

they were drawing.

She walked around to look at the artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked

what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl

replied, "They will in a minute."

[Raistlin]

The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot boss of mine was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report

sent to you earlier today.

Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[Raistlin]

Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are.

The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says "We're just over Paris"

"How do you know" ask the others "Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."

Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London"

"How?" asks the others "Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben"

Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow."

"How do you know that?" comes the reply.

"Because some sod has just stolen my watch"

[Raistlin]

An old man is sitting on the park bench crying.

Another old man sits down next to him and says, "Mister, what's the problem?"

The old man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I've got this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do is make love from the moment I walk in the door till the moment we go to sleep and then when we wake up again."

"So, what the hell is the problem?"

"I forgot where I live!"

[Raistlin]

For the Brave...

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None.

It should be opened by the time she brings it.

[Raistlin]

The Zen Master is visiting London from Tibet.

He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a £20.00 note.

The vendor puts the £ 20.00 in the till and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

[Calisto]

i dont know how I would get through my day without my daily giggle!!!!

[Raistlin]

i dont know how I would get through my day without my daily giggle!!!!

I do my best :D

[Raistlin]

A Second Opinion

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for

help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him

put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the

still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his

dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not

willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts

the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,

walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and

finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and

says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,

walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks

your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and

asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650.00"

"£ 650.00 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £ 50.00 for

my initial diagnosis. The additional £ 600.00 was for the cat scan

and lab tests."

[Raistlin]

A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback riding one day.

So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed.

She is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a little faster.

All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, she starts screaming but the horse seemingly not noticing its rider continues...

Now Vikki is grabbing on the the horses mane when she begins to feel tired and her grip starts to fail.

The blonde lets go of the horses mane, only to get her foot caught in the saddle.

So now she is riding along, the horse still not noticing and Vikki's head is beating against the ground over, and over, and over.

She almost loses conscience when suddenly the Woolworth's manager runs out and turns off the power to the horse.

[Raistlin]

Any married man should forget his mistakes,

there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Raistlin]

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a large bin.

Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.

I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help.

It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

[Boro Sera]

:D

Like that one !

[SJandMR2]

thought you might like this..hope you dont mind me borrowing your page raistlin, i dont really need my own..

better think about actually doing some work soon

SJ

>

> >FERRARI F1 TEAM NEWS

> >

> >The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

> >

> >The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK

> >Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

> >The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how

> >unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of

> >wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas

> >Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of

> >euros worth of high tech equipment.

> >

> >Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold

> >move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international

> >recognition of the UK under New Labour.

> >

> >As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the

> >advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they

> >bargained for.

> >

> >At the crew's first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully

> >changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had

> >re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for 8

> >bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird

> >in the shower.

[Raistlin]

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed.

There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

The lawyer picks up the note.

"Sorry. I just backed into your BMW, The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars.

But I'm not."

[Raistlin]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young

woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black

leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus

rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that

her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the

bus' first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she

reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this

would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the

step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and

unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the

step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg

because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the

offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make

the step.

About this time the big man that was behind her in the line picked her

up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,

screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who

you are!!!!"

At this the man drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you

but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were

friends."

[Raistlin]

An Irish lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota.

He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day.

His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong.

Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine.

The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and jumped back crying, "What's that noise?"

[Raistlin]

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...

so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."

"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked.

"How do you think I called the ambulance ?"

[Raistlin]

Why don't women pass wind as much as men ?

They don't keep their mouths closed long enough to build up pressure

:meet:

[Raistlin]

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of passion the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil

"The hat check girl puts out!"