Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

[Raistlin]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Raistlin]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Raistlin]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

[Raistlin]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Now where do you want these blinds?"

[Raistlin]

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them.

[Raistlin]

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.

He goes home to his wife, shows her the cheque, and explains to her what has happened.

She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

[Raistlin]

What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff ?

A leisure centre.

[Raistlin]

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.

He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.

When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's bits off.

The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.

" The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

[Raistlin]

How do you confuse a blonde ?

You don't, they're born that way.

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever.

[Raistlin]

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players ?

It saves time in the long run.

[Raistlin]

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before ?"

"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."

[Raistlin]

The Flight Crew

The airliner pushed back from the gate; the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual

information regarding seat belts, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell,

and crew take you safely to your destination.'

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself,

'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'

When the attendant came by with the drink cart

he said, 'Did I understand you right?

Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant,

'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My Goodness' said Ed,

'I'd better have two scotch and sodas.

I don't know what to think

with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant,

'We No Longer Call It The CockPit.'

'It's The Box Office.'

[Raistlin]

From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true

story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood

tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the

bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with

the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and

trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car,

which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number

of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started

the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night),

flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then

switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and

then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more

vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive

slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently

waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the

flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a

breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the

man's intoxication.

The police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me

to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be

broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Stress, Tension and Panic?

Stress is when Wife is pregnant,

Tension is when Girlfriend is pregnant,

Panic is when Both are pregnant.

Chinese Adam & Eve :

If Adam and Eve were Chinese we would still be in Paradise because they would have Ignored the Apple and eaten the Snake

Liar :

A man was dying because of Cancer.

His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling people that you are dying of AIDS?"

Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom"

[Raistlin]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.

Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors.

Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.

Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.

Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work.

Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "No."

Bad girls say, "When?"

[Raistlin]

And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"

And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."

And Jesus said, " Say What ?"

[Raistlin]

One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today.

It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

[Raistlin]

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied.

"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

[Raistlin]

A chap takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" the guy says.

"Can't you tell the difference ?"

"Well the two look a lot alike in the early stages...

Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't make love to her."

[Raistlin]

What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement

Someone ran out of cement.

[Raistlin]

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day.

For some reason the mother was unusually quiet.

Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know?

Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

[Raistlin]

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim.

A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.

She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.

Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose."

[Raistlin]

What's a man's idea of foreplay ?

A half-hour of begging.