Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My two cats went missing for over a fortnight and when they returned I decided to get micro chips for them both.

The poor little things were starving...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: A recent study revealed that the main reason why men view women as sex objects is because they have vaginas.

[Raistlin]

I just had a leaflet through my letter-box telling me I can have sex at 82, which is great as I only live at number 74, it won't be far to walk home afterwards.

[Raistlin]

I was talking with the girlfriend yesterday who said "I feel like we've got nothing in common"

I said: "Babe, of course we do... I like sandwiches, you make sandwiches.... My shirt is creased, you iron my shirt.... My plate is dirty, you wash my plate.

See, We have plenty in common"

And then the fight started...

[Raistlin]

I employed a single parent midget at work today.

I put her on mini mum wage...

[Raistlin]

A wise Jew once told me that you start your life with nothing and you end your life with nothing.

So if you die in debt, you've made a profit..

[KPARRIS-JONES]

PWNED

[alisa]

Whenever I'm drunk I feel difficult with these all words:

except

accept

rickshaw

These are the following words which I feel difficulties.

Edited May 20, 2010 by Norfolk n Chance
Non paying members are not allowed to advertise...

[Raistlin]

BBC News - 'Artificial life' breakthrough announced by scientists.

Do you realise what this means, they can end up making a copy of your wife in a couple of years,

I am off to kill myself...

[Raistlin]

My wife caught me sticking her secret vibrator up my bum when she came in,

She asked me how I found it.

I said it was quite nice actually...

[Raistlin]

I asked my wife if she'd like to do it in the chauvinist position tonight.

"What's that ?" she replied

"It's easy," I said, "You moan and do all the work and I'll just please myself"...

[Raistlin]

I went to a fancy dress party the other day.

There were are few in fancy dress but most were in skirt and blouse combinations...

[Raistlin]

I went to the dentist the other day.

He told me to open my mouth and say 'Aaahhhhhh'

'Why?' I asked.

'Because my dog died'...

[Raistlin]

A man went to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.

"What can I do to get it out ?" he asks pathetically.

"Pour warm chocolate in your right ear and tilt your head." replied the doctor.

"How the bloody hell will that help ?"

"Easy" replied the doctor.

"When the chocolate cools it should come out a treat"...

[Raistlin]

FOR SALE: Parachute

Only used once, never opened, does have a small red stain...

[Raistlin]

When Microsoft announced the release of Office 2010,

I was a bit sceptical.

But now that I have installed it I have a brand new Outlook...

[Raistlin]

25 years ago, it took 6 million dollars to rebuild a man.

It now takes 40 million dollars to create a bacteria.

Now that's what I call inflation...

[Raistlin]

I can't believe it, I'm devastated.

This is going to be a disaster for everybody.

My wife has got the dreaded C word.

Yes, She's got a car...

[Raistlin]

If I could have sex with any girl in the world,

I probably would...

[Raistlin]

I took my dog to the park and played frisbee with him today.

He was useless.

I think I need a flatter dog...

[Raistlin]

Cadburys of Ethiopia were running a Willy Wonka type competition where the lucky winner got a lifetimes supply of chocolate.

The lad who won got a Curly Wurly...

[Raistlin]

I was wondering if anyone could tell me which channel I could find the Womens FA Cup Final on ?

I've already checked cooking and comedy...

[Raistlin]

I was going to go to Thailand for my wifes 30th birthday,

But with all the violence and protests over there I thought...

Phucket !

[Raistlin]

Megan Fox is not going to act in the upcoming sequel, "Transformers 3".

So, no change there...

[Raistlin]

Just been to McDonalds with the wife and kids.

The baby's teething, my daughter moaned that her Coke wasn't diet, my son complained his chips were cold and the wife nagged me to paint the bedroom.

I love happy meals me...