Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What do you call a russian prostitute ?

Onya Bakyabitch...

[Raistlin]

Did you know, "emas eht yltcaxe" is exactly the same spelt backwards ?

[Raistlin]

'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please ?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish ?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian ?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.

'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ?'

Then, warming to his theme, he went on, 'Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish ?'

'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?

'Would Ya ?, Would Ya ?'

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. 'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French ?'

'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish ?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't.' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages ?'

The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'...

[Raistlin]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey..'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey ?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece so overall I made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

[Raistlin]

My uncle recently died from Asbestosis,

It took us three weeks to cremate him...

[Raistlin]

I went into a motorway services shop today and bought a bottle of Coke, a Snickers and a ham sandwich, when I went to pay I said "Sorry I've only got a 20 pound note..."

She replied "That's ok, you can just put the Snickers back.."

[Raistlin]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse.. I'd like ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

[Raistlin]

Two Irish men were looking at a Mail Order catalogue and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue ?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful and look at the price'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive at this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.

'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get me one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest Irishman asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue ?'

The second Irishman replies 'No, but it shouldn't be long now, She sent all her clothes yesterday'...

[Raistlin]

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Parliament has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Ottawa to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Westminster deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Westminster .

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as muchs*** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Parliament has always prided themselves on the amount of s*** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough s***, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the s*** you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the upcoming Harmonized Tax, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[Bizarra]

Quick note to any Mods on line :censor:

Several of the above jokes were Racist, crude,objectionable, insulting & demeaning to the Irish Nation :shutit:

I loved them

[Raistlin]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...

(Get your Japanese accent ready...)

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[Raistlin]

I just caught my kids messing about with a hot kettle.

I scolded the pair of them...

[Raistlin]

Roller coasters before the match, guaranteed three points, countless drunken slags out on the town after the game...

Carlsberg don't do away games, but next year the Premiership certainly does.

[Raistlin]

My granddad has alzheimers and I'm always quoting him,

Sold him double glazing windows 6 times last week...

[Raistlin]

It is claimed that the Atkin's diet will help people lose pounds or even stones by just not eating any fruit or vegetables for an extended period of time.

Okay then, explain Scotland...

[Raistlin]

It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet...

[Raistlin]

I think Ginger people might be Vampires.

A bit of Sun and I haven't seen one for days...

[Bizarra]

Warning

It has been brought to our attention that some jokes on this site are mildly offensive. Time permitting we will review them all and remove those which we deem to be insufficiently offensive. In the meantime we hope that the large quantity of utter filth will offer some recompense.

[Bizarra]

Getting to know you

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don’t know anything about each other."

He replied, "That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible ! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer ?"

"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

[Bizarra]

New pub

An old guy walks into a new pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

#1 CHEESEBURGER: £1.50

#2 CHICKEN SANDWICH : £2.50

#3 HANDJOB: £10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meagre looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the #3?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

[Bizarra]

A little misunderstanding ...

Joe met Rose on a blind date and decided to take her to the fair. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

So Joe took her to the man with the scales who guesses people’s weight. He looked at Rose and said, 8 stone 8 lbs. The man was wrong as Rose only weighed in at 8 stone so she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said.

So they went back to the man with the scales, who of course guessed Rose’s weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Joe began to think this girl was a bit of a weirdo, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick peck on the cheek. Rose’s flat mate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went.

"Wousy !" Rose replied.

[Bizarra]

In the Garden

A father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was watching two insects mating.

"Daddy, what are those two flies doing?" she asked.

"They’re mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the fly on top?" she asked.

"That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden!"

[Raistlin]

What Makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100% ?

Ever wonder giving more than 100% ?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103% ?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top...

[Raistlin]

Victor is being interviewed by his psychiatrist who is drawing and showing him pictures

The psychiatrist draws a tree and says to the man, "What do you see?"

"SEX!!" he replies

The psychiatrist draws a car and says to the man, "What do you see?"

"SEX!!" he replies

The psychiatrist says "Right, you are sex obsessed"

The man looks confused and says "Hey you're the one drawing all those dirty pictures"...

[Raistlin]

A guy comes home from work and his girlfriend is sitting on the front step with her packed bags sitting next to her.

"What you doing?" he asks her.

"I heard you were a paedophile" she answers.

"Paedophile, That's a very big word for a 10 year old" he says...