Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I'm so Hot,

I'm sweating more than Sarah Ferguson reading the Sunday Newspapers...

[Raistlin]

"What you doing, Grandad ?"

"Gardening."

"Why ?"

"Because it needs doing."

"What's that thing ?"

"A rake."

"And that ?"

"A hoe."

"What you doing now, Grandad ?"

"Weeding. Listen, see if you can get this worm back in its hole I'll give you five pound if you can"

"Okay." And that kept the little shite quiet for ages.

"Done it, Grandad."

"What? How ?"

"I sprayed it with Gran's hairspray. It went all stiff and in it went."

"Right, stay here for a couple of minutes and I'll go and fetch your money."

Two hours later Grandad came back.

He was out of breath and sweaty as he handed over the money. "Here's the fiver I promised you, and here's an extra twenty from your Granny."

[Raistlin]

Blackpool are 500/1 to win the Premier League next year.

Which means if you put just £20.00 on them at the start of the season, you will lose £20.00...

[Raistlin]

I raped a girl last night, and this morning I feel absolutely terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something...

[Bizarra]

Victor is being interviewed by his psychiatrist who is drawing and showing him pictures

The psychiatrist draws a tree and says to the man, "What do you see?"

"SEX!!" he replies

The psychiatrist draws a car and says to the man, "What do you see?"

"SEX!!" he replies

The psychiatrist says "Right, you are sex obsessed"

The man looks confused and says "Hey you're the one drawing all those dirty pictures"...

Quite natural, really :D

The psychiatrist draws a tree and says to the man, "What do you see?"

"SEX!!" he replies

You think of Adam & Eve & all the good times you had under cover of one

..........................

The psychiatrist draws a car and says to the man, "What do you see?"

"SEX!!" he replies

Naturally You remember all the good times you had in the back seat of your old banger [with a young banger]

Q.E.D.

[Raistlin]

Naturally You remember all the good times you had in the back seat of your old banger [with a young banger]

Good memory...

[Raistlin]

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own.

After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk, she accepted.

"What's your name ?" he asked her.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that ?"

"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that ?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name,What's your name ?"

"Beerpussy," the man replied...

[Raistlin]

Last night my girlfriend said "I bet you can't roll me a joint whilst getting a blow job."

I immediately responded with "Will you marry me ?"...

[Raistlin]

I just moved house and have been without broadband for two weeks.

Things are getting so desperate I am even considering having sex with my wife...

[Raistlin]

Ventriloquist Ray Alan has died suddenly at the age of 79, his agent has announced.

The showman was known for his upper class puppet Lord Charles, who usually appeared to be drunk.

The news has left Lord Charles speechless...

[Raistlin]

I went to see the doctor today with a bad case of genital herpes.

Some help he was, all he could say was "Put that thing back in your trousers & how the hell did you get in my Tardis ?"...

[Raistlin]

At first I was delighted when my girlfriend finally offered to have anal sex the other night,

But you can imagine my surprise when she got that strap-on out...

[Raistlin]

What do you call a Chinese amputee ?

Wun Shu...

[Raistlin]

What is Atticus Finch's favourite drink ?

Tequila Mockingbird...

[Raistlin]

There are no bald people.

There are only gingers with initiative...

[Raistlin]

So a Nigerian businessman is interested in investing in Arsenal.

I'd love to have seen the email he sent them...

[Raistlin]

What is a woman's favourite type of Owl ?

The Teat Owl...

[Bizarra]

Sheep

A new farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, shags them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep shagging and upon returning home, falls exhausted into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says,......

"they’re all in the lorry ... and one of them is beeping the horn."

[Bizarra]

Trix are for Kids

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You’’ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you’’ll see, you’’ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you’’ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he’s been popping "E"s!"

[Bizarra]

I no come work today

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work.’

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........

You got nice house’

[Myko]

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules"

From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or ang ry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,

or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Raistlin]

I've been desperately asking my friends not to tell me what happens in the final episode of LOST.

I'm not worried about them spoiling it, I just don't give a shit...

[Raistlin]

A bloke down the pub conned me into buying a singing fish.

I took it home and put some music on and fair enough it did give it a go but it was massively off-key and sounded awful.

I tried taking it for singing lessons and surgically enhancing its vocal chords but nothing worked and so eventually I killed it and buried it unceremoniously in my garden.

A week later I was feeling guilty so decided to dig it up to give it a proper burial.

No matter how deep I dug though I couldn't find the fish.

I did however come across nineteen black birds, five magpies and a crow.

Just goes to show, you can't tuna fish but it's easy to minah bird...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend claims I'm Bulimic.

I almost choked on my own fingers...

[Raistlin]

Take one piece of rope and a Welsh teenager.

Hey Presto!

It's Bridgend...