Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

"Twilight Eclipse - It all begins with a choice."

My choice is Heterosexual, so I wont be watching...

[Raistlin]

Gary Glitter goes to the beach on a hot day.

An irate woman comes up to him and says "Can you get out my sun ?"...

[Raistlin]

Knock Knock

Who's there

Toyota

Toyota who

Toyata be a law against such awful jokes...

[Raistlin]

I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, "Is it hot in here ?"

Then she said, "Let me guess.. or is it just me."

I then said, "No, because you're dripping with sweat you fat bitch."

[Raistlin]

BBC News: According to a survey by the mental health foundation, loneliness is more prevalent among the young than those past retirement age.

Well, I for one am willing to keep them company.

Come and see Uncle Tippet, I have lollipops...

[Raistlin]

Finish dishwasher cleaner,

Simply pop one in your dishwasher to clean the inside and ensure a better result with your dishes,

Nice one Finish, now she's dead.....

Do I call an ambulance or the customer helpline ?

[Raistlin]

Man goes to the Doctors and tells him, ' No matter what I do all I can see is fish',

'Have you seen an Optician ?' the doctor asks,

'No, I told you,' replies the man, 'Just fish'...

[Raistlin]

I went to a party last night.

The DJ played James' "Sit Down" and we all sat down.

Then he played Van Halen's "Jump" and we all jumped.

Then he played Dexy's Midnight Runners' "Come on Eileen".

I'm in Court on Tuesday...

[Raistlin]

My mate's just been sacked from the nuclear plant.

He reacted badly...

[balli hi]

A mouse was setting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink.

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the bar stool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair were falling out.

The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?"

The mouse said, "Man, that was the best s*x I ever had." The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?"

The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the !Removed! I must have run 10 miles!"

[Raistlin]

Three Irishmen in a bar.

Paddy says"My locals better than this, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rds free"

Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free"

Murphy says, "Thats nothin. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get shagged senseless."

"WOW," says the other two, "Has that actually happened to you?"

"No," says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister. . ."

[balli hi]

I have to doff my hat to you sir , that last joke gave me a good ,

[Raistlin]

I have to doff my hat to you sir , that last joke gave me a good ,

I thank you, it's nice to be appreciated

[Raistlin]

At my 15th birthday party I had a conversation with my uncle.

Uncle Iain: "If you woke up in a field one night, confused, with your elbows and knees covered in mud, your trousers round your ankles, and a condom hanging out your arse..... Would you tell your friends ?"

Me: "NO"

Uncle Iain: "Do you want to go for a picnic ?"

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about that joke that you're not allowed to tell gay people ?

No, I thought not...

[Raistlin]

Female students hanging their tiny knickers on the washing line might as well just post them through my letterbox.

They're going to end up under my pillow either way...

[Raistlin]

I said to my girlfriend, "You are like a fine wine."

She said, "Oh because I get better with age ?"

I said, "No", then I locked her in the cellar...

[Raistlin]

Jamaican drug gangs in gun battles with police and over thirty dead.

Apparently it's just as bad in Jamaica...

[Raistlin]

Nothing says your wife's frigid more than your dog's Marmite breath...

[Raistlin]

I love supporting my country.

Oh wait, I live in England, I'm not allowed...

[Raistlin]

Said to the pharmacist, "I need some condoms".

She said, "Just a minute".

I said, "Yes, they're the ones"...

[Raistlin]

I was so worried when I found out I have Kleptomania.

It's not so bad now,

I'm taking things for it...

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow ?

It's making headlines...

[Raistlin]

I was shocked to find our small rural pub had been turned into a gay bar.

I don't think I want to spend a night in the Farmer's Arms...

[Raistlin]

England is bordering on anarchy,

Or Scotland, as it's better known...