Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I took one of my chickens to "Bring your pet to work day"

He loved meeting everyone but wasn't too keen on the lunch arrangements...

[Bizarra]

Not the expected answer

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,

"Paint my house."

[Bizarra]

Different Perspective

Scenario.

A girl and boy have been having a relationship for about four months. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he’s still a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I’m not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don’t know what the hell that means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything so when we get back to his place I’m wondering if he’s going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I’m going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don’t know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he’s met someone else ???

His story:

Shit day at work. Great shag later.

[Bizarra]

The Royal Highland Show

A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They precede to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife’s mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.

That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to f*ck the same cow every day."

[Raistlin]

A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said, " Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man said.

The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here ?"

The man replied, "The light was on"...

[Raistlin]

These new 3D TVs are so realistic.

I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke my wallet was gone...

[Raistlin]

Nothing quite says "I've got explosive diarrhoea" like sitting on the toilet with your shirt around your nipples...

[fuel miser]

Nothing quite says "I've got explosive diarrhoea" like sitting on the toilet with your shirt around your nipples...

I had that last week after visiting my local curry house and ordering the mutton jihad!

[Raistlin]

BBC News: A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his bottom.

Doctors described his condition as stable...

[Raistlin]

"Hello Sir, can I help you ?" the shop assistant said,

"Is this the Woman's department ?" the typical man said,

"Yes sir, what is it that you're looking for ?" the shop assistant replied,

"An Iron..." the man replied...

[Raistlin]

A young Swedish woman, an old Dutch woman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a compartment on a train.

The train passes through a tunnel, plunging the compartment into darkness. A loud smash is heard and as the train leaves the tunnel,the Englishman is seen rubbing his cheek.

The Swedish woman thinks, 'I bet he tried to grope me but he got groped the old woman instead and she slapped him'.

The old Dutch woman thinks, 'I bet he groped the young Swedish woman and she slapped him'.

The Englishman thinks, 'I bet the Irishman groped the Swedish woman and she slapped me by accident'.

The Irishman thinks, 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can hit that English guy again'.

[Raistlin]

One of my scottish employees came to me and asked me for a week off.

Happy to oblige I sprinkled a tiny amount of pepper down her throat...

[Raistlin]

I often find the best way to deal with burglars is to stand in the dark with a gimp mask on and an 11 inch glow in the dark dildo in my right hand sinisterly uttering the words "I've been expecting you"...

[Raistlin]

My inconsiderate teacher rearranged all the paperwork I'd given him, so I thought I'd rearrange his classroom,

Oh how the tables have turned...

[Raistlin]

Dimitar Berbatov walks into a bar with a dog, who has no limbs, no tail, no eyes, and no nose.

The barman says, "Dear Lord, what a useless creature! Where did you get him from ?"

"Tottenham Hotspur", the dog replies...

[Raistlin]

If God had meant women to drive, he would have put wheels on their cookers...

[Raistlin]

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle ?

Wipe it off before he notices...

[Raistlin]

I bought a flea circus yesterday, but one of them won't go on the high wire.

I presume it's a nervous tick...

[Raistlin]

They say that women love a man in uniform.

I think that's rubbish,

I've been out clubbing in my McDonalds uniform for the last three nights and I haven't had any success...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend wants me to get rid of everything my ex-girlfriend gave me.

My watch and PS3 were not that difficult but these genital warts are a nightmare...

[Raistlin]

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income..

[Raistlin]

I was once cast as Oliver in a silent interpretation of Oliver Twist.

It was brilliant, I couldn't ask for more...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: The mother of murdered Bradford prostitute described her daughter as 'much loved',

That kind of goes without saying with prostitutes doesn't it ?...

[Raistlin]

My wife just called to say she's in Mayfair.

I said. " Are you shopping?"

She said." No, page 67, Readers Wives"...

[Raistlin]

I got mugged last night walking home.

There were three big lads and I took a right hammering.

I managed to knock one out before they got hold of me,

Not the ideal time for a wank but I thought, what the hell...