Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Two Irishmen are on a cruise ship.

Paddy says"It's awfully quiet on deck tonight"

Murphy says"Everyone will be watching the band"

Paddy says"There isn't a band playing tonight"

Murphy says"I definitely heard someone say" A band on ship"...

[Raistlin]

I had the best wet dream ever last night,

Katy Price drowned...

[Raistlin]

I've been having an affair with a librarian for several years.

My wife doesn't have a clue.

We've managed to keep it very quiet...

[Raistlin]

There was an Irish man and a Polish man drinking in a pub together when the polish man downed his shot, threw the empty glass in the air, whipped out a revolver and shot it before it landed.

He said, " You know we have so many glasses in Poland, we only need to drink with the same one once."

As a result the Irish guy downs his drink, whips out a shotgun and blows the polish guys head off.

He then says, "Well we have so many polish people Ireland we only need to drink with the same one twice."

[Raistlin]

I had been chatting to somebody on Facebook for months, just a random add, but we clicked.

I finally plucked up the the courage to ask to meet them, and they agreed.

Imagine my dissapointment when I met Sarah, age 21, 34 DD breasts, from Oxford.

I was expecting to meet Barry, age 61, 48 waist, from Brixton...

[Raistlin]

The girlfriend's just had her teeth whitened.

Although to be honest, most of it landed on her chin...

[Bizarra]

The girlfriend's just had her teeth whitened.

Although to be honest, most of it landed on her chin...

That one is a bit obscure for the unanointed [Choice of phrase was deliberate ]

[Raistlin]

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After hours of amazing sex, Paddy turns to his new partner and says, 'I wonder how the girls are getting on ?'...

[Raistlin]

Paddy and Murphy are sat on a diving boat, when two divers suit up and tip backwards over board.

Paddy turns to Murphy and says"why do they dive in backwards and not forwards ?"

"Don't be stupid Paddy" says Murphy "If they dived in forwards they'd stil be in the bloody boat"...

[Raistlin]

The sign on the door said "Guide dogs welcome".

As I entered the shop, a Labrador greeted me, thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Facebook under fire after paedophile postman uses social networking sites to groom hundreds of children for sex.

(Pat likes this)

[Raistlin]

Obama has said the BP oil leak is the worlds worse oil disaster.

Worse than invading Iraq ?...

[Raistlin]

So I was having a wank at my computer desk and when I finished, I noticed I'd gotten jizz all over my Shift button.

So I started wiping it up when a pop-up came up on my computer telling me I'd got sticky keys.

How did it know ?...

[Raistlin]

I got caught having a wank in my local newsagents,

Now it's all over the papers...

[Raistlin]

My wife's not the sharpest tool in the box,

But I keep her locked in the shed anyway...

[Raistlin]

My optician told me I had to stop wanking,

"Why ? am I going blind" I joked,

"No, but you're upsetting the other people in the waiting room"...

[Raistlin]

Teach Cristiano Ronaldo how to fish and he'll dive straight in...

[Raistlin]

I've just had some freshly baked brownies for tea,

Then I might have stir-fried cubs later...

[Bizarra]

Q and A

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A: A widow.

Q: Why is a woman different from a PC?

A: A woman won’t accept a 3 1/2" floppy

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?

A: Hangovers will go away.

Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A: They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

[Bizarra]

Our Father...........

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter’s tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn’t live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I’m not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn’t really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man’s story. He looks into the old man’s eyes and asks, "Father?"

The old man’s face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"

[Bizarra]

The onion and the christmas tree

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised answers, "Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts...

In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm.

In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mum, how many types of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[Bizarra]

Indian Wisdom

An old Indian Chief sat in his Hogan on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver. Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Bizarra]

Three pints of Guiness please

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness

and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in

turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders

three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw

it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in

America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all

left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we

all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same

way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks

from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in

the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the

second

round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but

I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye

and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It’s me..."

"....I’ve given up the drink."

[Raistlin]

So Gary Coleman died and all you can do is make jokes ?

How very small of you....

[Raistlin]

An autopsy has revealed that Gary Coleman died of a stroke.

Not just an ordinary stroke.

It was a Diff'rent Stroke...