Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Yet another celebrity dead,

Gary Coleman died at the young age of forty two today and it got me thinking,

Why couldn't it have been Katie Price ?...

[Raistlin]

What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen ?

Don't ask her out again...

[Raistlin]

The crossbow cannibal has been put under 24hr surveillance,

Police are worried he might make a bolt for it...

[Raistlin]

What's the hardest part about watching Glee ?

Coming out to your parents...

[Raistlin]

Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have converted to Islam.

My new name is Seldom Bin Laid...

[Raistlin]

Just applied for a job as a baby sitter.

When they asked me if I ever watched kids before, apparently "from my car" was not the best answer...

[Raistlin]

Renault and Ford a working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling it the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is.

Rumour has it that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning...

[Raistlin]

Someone accused me of being Arrogant today.

I almost choked on my own brilliance...

[Raistlin]

This hot woman asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.

I said I'm more in shaven pussy and anal,

Apparently this is not an expectable reply in KFC...

[Raistlin]

Fox News:

Basil Brush has moved house.

[Bizarra]

Any character mentioned in this is entirely fictional & bears no relation to any member of this respectable [?] club :P

An ode to Steve

A bright and flashy Australian,

The Hunter was his name.

And all those slimy reptiles,

Brought him wealth and fame.

Some say he was looker,

To girls he was a dish.

He knew everything about crocodiles,

But clearly fxck all about fish.

[balli hi]

[Bizarra]

All night boozing

Paddy’s been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“How did you know?” he asks.

“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

[Bizarra]

Stress management

Just in case you’ve had a rough day or you ARE having a rough day.

Here is a quick 7-Step stress management technique recommended in the

latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is - this really works.

Try this:

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding under the water.

See - You are smiling already.

[balli hi]

[Raistlin]

A woman goes to a tattoo parlour and asks for a tattoo on her pussy.

The tattooist says," you know this is going to hurt,would you like it numbed ?"

The woman replies," yes I would."

So the tattooist leans forward,puts his lips on her pussy and goes,numb,numb,numb,numb.

[Raistlin]

You can tell what a woman's personality and what approach you should use based on what they drink.

Beer.

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance and down-to-earth.

Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Cocktails.

Personality: Annoying, bitchy and generally speaking, a pain in the arse.

Approach: Best avoiding these girls, they will have you whipped.

Mixed drinks.

Personality: Older, picky and knows what she wants.

Approach: You don't have to approach her. She will buy you a drink.

Wine (red).

Personality: Classy and sophisticated.

Approach: Generally talk about things that are actually true. If not don't bother trying to approach.

Wine (white).

Personality: Again, classy and sophisticated, but more gullible.

Approach: Talk shit, she'll believe anything really.

Shots.

Personality: Now we're talking. Wants to get very drunk, out to try and have a good time.

Approach: Wait until she's drunk, then approach won't matter. Rape will also work.

Tip: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows...

[Raistlin]

One day, a young pregnant woman was in a bank when it was robbed.

During the robbery, she was shot three times in the stomach, She was rushed to the hospital where doctors saved her life.

As she was leaving, she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor said, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're all fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach.

Don't worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."

As time went on the woman had three children.

Two girls and a boy.

Twelve years later, one of the girls came up to her mother and said, "Mummy, I've done a very weird thing"

Her mother asked her what happened and her daughter replied, "I passed a bullet into the toilet."

The woman comforted her and explained all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter came up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing"

The mother said, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right ?"

The daughter looked up from her teary eyes and said, "Yes. How did you know ?"

The mother comforted her child and explained about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy came up and said, "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing"

"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right ?"

"No, I was wanking and I shot the dog."

[Raistlin]

I failed my Geography exams.

I'd show you the proof but I can't find it...

[Raistlin]

"Lib-dem resigns over secret gay lover"

So he's finally come out of the cabinet...

[Raistlin]

My Partner hated it when I put my finger up her bum.

The business sort of went downhill after that...

[Raistlin]

Ashley Cole is said to be furious over what he see's as Cheryl's attempts to ruin his World Cup by divorcing him.

And after all he's done for her too...

[Raistlin]

This girl asked me to give her an example of an innuendo.

So I gave her one...

[Raistlin]

I told my girlfriend to shave downstairs.

She blocked the kitchen sink, but at least her moustache is gone...

[Raistlin]

I had my rubber band pistol confiscated in algebra class the other day.

Apparently it was a weapon of math disruption...