Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Driving an electric car is much like giving yourself a handjob.

It may feel the same, but you"re still a wanker...

[Raistlin]

Three office girls are in the lift when they notice a stain on the wall.

"That looks like spunk," said the redhead.

The brunette sniffs it and says, "It smells like spunk, too!"

The blonde licks it and says, "Well, it's nobody from our office."

[Raistlin]

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission ?

[Raistlin]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower ?

Give the bitch a shovel...

[Raistlin]

Knock knock...

Who's there...?

Theo...

Theo who ?

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a bar with an extremely long fish,

The bar steward asks, why the long plaice ?

[Cherry Red Pocket Rocket]

Ha ha ha ha. Lets have some communists jokes :D

[Raistlin]

Rumour has it that one of Jordan's tampons could stop the BP oil leak..

[Raistlin]

BBC New: "Man kills several in Lake District".

Police have warned he's armed with a compass, route-finder map and an unnerving ability to talk about nothing for hours...

[Raistlin]

Irish police have contacted Cumbria police and advised them to close all newsagents in case the gunman tries to buy another magazine...

[Raistlin]

Unexploded bombs - Carlsberg don't do war memorials...

[Raistlin]

There's only two things I hate in this world.

People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the French...

[Raistlin]

Job Vacancy:

Due to recent events we now have a number of vacancies in the Cumbria area for experienced taxi drivers.

No previous experience required but will need a full clean license.

Previous staff need not apply...

[Raistlin]

Germany wins Eurovision then four days later an old WWII bomb explodes "unexpectedly".

Carlsberg don't do timely reminders, but if they did....

[Raistlin]

MSN News: A scientist has invented a bra that hides erect nipples and stops breasts from bouncing up and down.

His colleagues have kicked his frigging head in...

[Raistlin]

My wife was killed in Whitehaven today as we took a taxi from the Synagogue.

Should my meter still be running ?

[Raistlin]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, love........

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:

Blow Job

[Raistlin]

I watched a pirate dvd the other day.

It was a bunch of Somalians demanding ransom money...

[Raistlin]

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Aussie were discussing how they please their girlfriends after sex.

The Frenchman said "When I've finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, I tickle ze backs of er knees - she floats six inches off ze bed in ecstasy"

To which the Italian replied "When I'v'a finished a'making love with'a my girlfriend, I kiss'a all over her body - she floats'a twelve inches off the bed in ecstasy"

The Aussie said "Mate, that's nothing: when I've finished shaggin me sheila, I get up and wipe me dick on the curtains - she hits the bloody roof"

[Raistlin]

After years of being held as a hostage in Iraq, I finally returned to British soil.

As I stepped out of the helicopter, my five year-old son ran towards me and we embraced.

Probably shouldn't have thrown him up in the air, It kind of spoilt the moment...

[Raistlin]

I like my women how I like my vacuums.

I like to turn them on, slide my hands up and down and feel them suck.... before locking them away in the closet for another week.

[Raistlin]

Just got a new bumper sticker for my car it reads 'Enter At Your Own Risk'

Now you may not find that funny but I'm a taxi driver...

[Raistlin]

I've been sat in for the last hour waiting for my bloody taxi to turn up.

I phoned up to see where it had got to.

They told me the driver was just around the coroner...

[Raistlin]

Father: "Son I noticed you walked in on your Mother and I making love last night. I was just wandering what you thought about it"

Son: "Dad, first of all you weren't making love, you were raping her. Secondly, that wasn't mom at all. And lastly it was broad daylight and I was walking to school"

Father: "you have really pretty lips"

[Raistlin]

MSN News: Everton on their new 2010/2011 away kit, 'Revolution - Technically advanced and engineered for success'.

Err, it's just pink...