Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

The Irish Student

......This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.

Sinead, an Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his order and notices his Irish accent.

Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to sleep with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her £100 for the deed. Sinead is travelling the world and because she is strapped for cash she agrees.

The next night the same guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for 100 quid. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.

This goes on for five nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.

Sinead is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Cork. "Wow, so am I," she says. "What part of Cork?" "Montenotte," he says.

"Well holy god - that’s amazing," she says, "so am I - what street?",

to which he names the street. "This is unbelievable," she says, "what number?"

"Number 20," he says, and she is truly gobsmacked.

"You are not going to believe this," she says, "I’m from number 22 - my parents still live there!"

"I know," he says. "Your da gave me £500 to give you!"

[Bizarra]

Getting married?

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What’s on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an "ad" in the classified: "Wife Wanted".

The next day he received a hundred letters all saying the same thing.

"You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say. Talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late!"

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don’t know son, I’m still paying!!!!

[Bizarra]

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the " Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbour’s bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[Bizarra]

Sex education

A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That’s right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My axxe is killing me."

[Cherry Red Pocket Rocket]

learn Chinese in 5 minutes

1) Thats not right................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.............. Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man................................ Dum ********

5) Small horse.................. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat

9) Its very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

[Raistlin]

I went shopping in town this morning and the parking was a nightmare,

The wife was driving...

[Raistlin]

Being ginger, I'm useless with women.

Just the other day I asked one to dance, and predictably she said no.

I was fed up of being treated this way just because of my appearance and told her quite frankly that it was unfair of her to judge me just because of the colour of my hair.

She just looked me in the eyes and said "Dude, we're on a bus."

[Cherry Red Pocket Rocket]

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[Raistlin]

Me and my mate talking about fantasies.

I said mine was "Get hold of a giant Panda, kill it, then make love to it."

He asked "why ?"

I said "If you don't it will bite you"...

[Raistlin]

Katie Price has had more cocks than Derrick Birds Shotgun...

[Raistlin]

Apparently it's legal for taxi drivers to urinate against their back wheel.

Police in Cumbria are stressing that it is not recommended for passengers in the area to do the same...

[Cherry Red Pocket Rocket]

The passengers can urinate on the front wheels though.

[Raistlin]

I just got sent a chain mail stating that, if I didn't pass it on to 15 other people, I would find a little dead girl in my room tonight,

I must have got this one before...

[Cherry Red Pocket Rocket]

Dead little girl in your room?! *****! Whatever next?

[Raistlin]

Dead little girl in your room?! *****! Whatever next?

Errr, two in the garage

[Raistlin]

Two's company

Three's fantasy...

[Raistlin]

I've got a new business making yachts in my attic,

Sails are going through the roof...

[Raistlin]

I got a phone call from my daughter's school today asking why she was not wearing school uniform.

Apparently, "Because it has my jizz all over it" is not an appropriate response...

[Raistlin]

After hearing about the shootings yesterday I was devastated.

With tears in my eyes I rushed onto Google and started to type in Cumbria.

I got half way before the suggestions kicked in.

Next thing I know I'm sat watching Cum In My Butt 4 with my pants round my ankles.

God Bless The Internet...

[Raistlin]

I make sure I don't catch OCD by washing my hands sixteen times every morning...

[Raistlin]

For the last time Sir, Screwfix Direct is not a dating service...

[Raistlin]

I was really shocked to hear that a lap dancing club will be opening next door to my house next September.

I have wrote to the council but they said they can't open it any quicker...

[Raistlin]

Today, I was referred to as 'Sir' for the first time ever, it was great,

However, it was swiftly followed by 'You cannot remain in this cinema whilst masturbating'...

[Cherry Red Pocket Rocket]

Ha ha ha ha

[Raistlin]

City Councils:

Save hundreds of pounds on signs warning of dangerous bends,

Simply tie a bunch of flowers to a nearby tree...