Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative buddy, Break up the monotony.

Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"

"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

[Raistlin]

Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic lights.

He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh ?"

She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you, I'm out looking for a lot !"

[Raistlin]

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it.

One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

[Raistlin]

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

[Raistlin]

A man and his date walk into a very posh furrier after having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of London's most exclusive restaurants.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for £65,000.00"

"No problem! I'll write you a cheque"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your bank account !"

"I know but I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[Raistlin]

How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?

Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

[Raistlin]

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them £32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She is married and we can't go to her house.

I am married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges £ 60.00 and the Hilton charges £ 75.00. We do it here for £ 32.00, and I get back £ 28.00 from BUPA for a visit to the doctor's office."

[Raistlin]

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.""Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that ? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache'and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

[Raistlin]

A man was complaining to a friend.

"I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, an expensive car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out."

[Raistlin]

Why don't Blondes make good cattle herders.

Because they can never keep two calves together.

[Raistlin]

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever.

He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing.

Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."

[Raistlin]

A man was walking down the street when he sees a Little Johnny wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is being pulled slowly by a large Labador

Retriever.

When he got a little closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the dog's privates, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly.

Going up to the child, he said,"That's a nice fire engine you got there, but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's neck."

"True," the child replied. "But I wouldn't have a siren."

[Raistlin]

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods.

Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

[Raistlin]

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

[Raistlin]

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence.

Today's word is "beautiful".

Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?" Little Sally walked to the front of the room,

thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit, Little Frankie, it's your turn.

" Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning

was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and

he said, "Beautiful, just beautiful."

[Raistlin]

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so theydecided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing waswrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor aboutthe problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want tostart writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chairand his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"He replied, "Sure."She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you canremember it?

"He said, "No, I can remember that."She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top.

You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."He replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

[Raistlin]

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

K9P.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?

She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground.

The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.

The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips of all her clothes off and throws herself on the floor and says to the man "make me feel like a woman again!"

So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and says "pick that up, bitch."

[Raistlin]

Anelderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.

When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

[Raistlin]

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.

After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed.

So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.

On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed.

The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out.

As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch".

[Raistlin]

A man took his wife to the doctors.

After a short examination the doctor said "Your wife's mind has completely gone!"

To which the man replied "I'm not surprised.

She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

[Raistlin]

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £ 500.00 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high."

[Raistlin]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said "Implants?"

[Raistlin]

Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won ?