Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My names Derrick Bird, and shooting at people out of car windows was my idea...

[Cherry Red Pocket Rocket]

Not such a funny one, that last one mate.

[Raistlin]

A woman walks into a bar,

The barman says kitchens through the back there love...

[Raistlin]

You think the Irish famine was bad ?

Imagine being the child whos only birthday present was a spud gun...

[Raistlin]

I looked this morning and was horrified to think what the families and friends of any of those poor, innocent victims of the Cumbrian massacre would think if they accidentally stumbled upon the website and saw all the cruel, offensive jibes.

Then I remembered that it's fine.

The internet is still a good few years away in Cumbria...

[Raistlin]

I'm writing a new book about The A-Z OF Masturbation,

Its a Handbook...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend accused me of being a drunk yesterday.

I nearly choked on my own vomit...

[Raistlin]

I've got 2 days left of a 6 month tour in Afghanistan, I've been constantly dodging bullets, bombs and mortars.

I can't wait to be back home in Cumbria...

[Raistlin]

Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised ?

They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off...

[Raistlin]

My husband and I are the happiest couple in Cumbria, he's an undertaker and I am a florist.

[Raistlin]

What was the point in Microsoft going to the trouble of creating in private browsing if they then go and tell all the women in the country about its existence on it's tv adverts ?

They may as well have got me to starring in the ad, caked in sweat with my pants around my ankles grunting "My wife will never know" as I give my manhood the beating of it's life...

[Raistlin]

The Israeli forces abseiled from helicopters carrying machine guns to conduct an inspection of the boat,

So pretty much the method Katie Price's gynaecologist uses...

[Raistlin]

I think my solicitor fancies me.

She's a lovely looking woman and she has been very supportive throughout my rape case.

Let's see if she still fancies me on Monday when I lose my appeal..

[Raistlin]

A man walks in to a library and says, "Hi, I understand you have a new book on Small Cocks".

The librarian replies, "I'm afraid it isn't in yet"...

[Raistlin]

I'm sick of these adverts on TV about starving Africa

They can't be that hungry, every time I see them on the TV they have a mouth full of flies.

[Raistlin]

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs...

[Cherry Red Pocket Rocket]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go to Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Raistlin]

If my body was as sick as my mind, I'd be in a Hospice...

[Raistlin]

I was filling out a survey the other day, about sexual habits.

One of the questions was "What is your favourite time to receive oral sex?"

Apparently, replying "before they grow teeth" is enough to warrant a visit from the police...

[Raistlin]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path..

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer ?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the Bear a Christian ?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed, and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen."

[Raistlin]

My wife called me a useless druggie today,

I almost fell off my unicorn..

[Raistlin]

My wife is so ugly I have to spike my own drink...

[Raistlin]

I hear the word "Gypsy" isn't politically correct anymore,

They are now to be called Caravan Utilising Nomatic Travellers,

It's a bit wordy, How can we shorten that...

[Raistlin]

I went out for a meal tonight and I ran off without paying.

My wife will kill me when she gets home...

[Raistlin]

A nice old lady was at the ATM in front of me. She put her card in, pressed for a printed balance and walked off reading it.

I shouted her back, telling her she'd left her card in. She was very grateful.

"Oh young man, thank you so much. I'd be in trouble if it wasn't for you. I don't know how I could ever repay you".

So I looked at her whilst I thought for a second, turned round and pressed the £50.00 button...