Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My new Thai girlfriend couldn't even give me an erection this morning,

I don't know why she was having difficulties,

It's not like she's got a big one...

[Raistlin]

What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls ?

Rick O'Shea...

[Raistlin]

Got caught sniffing tippex the other day.

I've been admitted to a correction centre...

[Bizarra]

Le Logiciel La Logiciel

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk"or "pencil" have a gender association, although in English these words are neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and divided the class into two groups; one group all male, the other all female. They were to decide which gender should be applied to "computer" and give four reasons for their decision.

The results

The group of women concluded computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The group of men decided computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory banks for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Raistlin]

A piece of string gets barred from his local pub.

Determined to get back in the next night, he goes in disguise, tying himself into a bow and spiking up his hair.

The barman says- hang on, you're that piece of string I barred last night

The string replies- No, I'm a frayed knot.

[Raistlin]

So I was walking past the synagogue last night and I heard a scrambling sound.

Then the penny dropped

And the scrambling got louder...

[Raistlin]

England players, protect yourself from Emile Heskey by disguising yourself as a goal

[Raistlin]

Israel have now said they will no longer bring building materials such as bricks, steel and cement into Gaza.

Which give me the opportunity to say for the first time that the Israelis are being anti-cementic...

[Raistlin]

I went down the local fair last night and they had one of those things you have to punch as hard as you can.

A gypsy...

[Raistlin]

I went into a library and asked for a book on premature ejaculation.

The librarian said; "It's coming soon"...

[Raistlin]

Robert De Niro, Taxi Driver, 1976.

He got 2 oscars and and an emmy.

Derek Bird, Taxi Driver, 2010

He got 2 Oscars, an Emmy, 2 Johns, 1 Anne, 2 Franks and a Maria...

[Raistlin]

Paula Radcliffe walks into a pub and the barman says "Why the long race ? "

[Raistlin]

SKY NEWS: Soldier's Facebook post scuppers army raid.

Taliban Leader likes this...

[Raistlin]

I've written a song about a tortilla.

Well, it's more of a wrap...

[Raistlin]

I had a family barbeque last weekend where my daughter's boyfriend accidentally let slip that my daughter's a great shag.

Everyone was shocked,

But not nearly as shocked as when I agreed with him...

[Raistlin]

Men; would you like to last longer in bed ?

Then get your wife to bring breakfast to you...

[Raistlin]

Golf:

The only sport where foursomes are encouraged, you can show off your wood, polish your balls and it's okay to have a short shaft...

[Raistlin]

What's the smallest part in a BMW ?

The driver's dick...

[Raistlin]

A pair of 18 hole Dr Marten boots walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Why the long lace ?"

[Raistlin]

I can't believe it was only ten years ago that I was running around the school playground, chasing and playing with the girls,

I remember thinking how hot the girls looked in their summer dresses,

Just five more years left on my sentence now, then I can go back there...

[Raistlin]

Women should be like golf caddies either holding your balls or getting the tee ready...

[Raistlin]

My boyfiend said I was too tight to get a pint in.

Six hours of surgery and thirty six stitches later, I admitted he was right...

[Raistlin]

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

[Raistlin]

In an Irish pub there was a competition for the best toast , one man stood up and exclaimed "here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs" and the whole pub cheered .

later that night the Irishman was telling his wife about it and she asked him what did he say so he told here "here's to spending the rest of my life praying next to my wife in church" .

The next day his wife saw the landlord and he said "what about your husbands toast last night" she said "well he has only been there once in two years and even then it was hard to make him come" .

[Raistlin]

When I woke up this morning I felt like an unfinished symphony.

I was alright though, once I'd composed myself...