Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What do you call a fit girl with two dicks ?

N-Dubz...

[Raistlin]

I was talking to my Russian friend the other day and he said

"In our country, women are like buses."

I said "What, you wait for one and two come at the same time?"

"No," He replied. "They are like buses."

[Raistlin]

The England players visited the local children's hospital this week in South Africa.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people worse off than you who face an uphill battle", said Jamal Unboato, aged six...

[Raistlin]

I've just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows and some of the sheep are pretty attractive too...

[Raistlin]

Yahoo News : 'Porn Actor Falls To His Death'.

Who would have thought Katie Price was so deep...

[Raistlin]

My wife and I got divorced so we decided to split the house,

I got the outside...

[Raistlin]

How do you make a Jewish Omelette ?

First you borrow 3 eggs....

[Raistlin]

I'm really confused.

Who the hell does the dishes on the Isle of Man ?

[Raistlin]

I had great sex with an Anorexic Prostitute last night.

She was only 40 pounds...

[Raistlin]

I caught myself in my zipper today,

Or should I say thats what I'll be telling the missus when she see's the teeth marks on it...

[Raistlin]

The shin;

A universal invention for finding furniture in the dark

The elbow;

A convenient object often used for knocking full cups of drink off of tables. Often jars.

The coccyx;

Somehow hilariously funny when you land on it.

[Raistlin]

The Daily Mail had an article about the encroachment of Americanisms into English usage thereby degrading the language.

Well that just ain't right...

[Raistlin]

As an avid snooker fan I got a tattoo of a table with the balls on my lower arm.

As the tattooist was drawing one of the red balls the needle slipped, and it ended right over the middle pocket, lodging into my wrist bone.

I thought "that's a bad break."

[Raistlin]

Rod Stewart announces a series of concerts in Britain over the next four weeks.

Not going to the World Cup this time then, Rod ?

[Raistlin]

I thought I spotted Jordan sunbathing in Blackpool at the weekend,

when I took a took a closer look it was just a donkey yawning...

[Raistlin]

I don't know what made me ask my husband for a pearl necklace.

It's like something came over me...

[Raistlin]

Just been trying some Sainsbury's own brand condoms.

They're great, my wife says you really can Taste the Difference...

[Raistlin]

Little Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong son ?"

Boy says "Me ma just died!"

"Oh jaysus" The man says "D'ya want me to get Father O'Reilly ?

Little boy says"No thanks, sex is the last thing on me mind right now"

[Raistlin]

Tip of the Day: The key Ring,

A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: 15 Muslims have died whilst training to be sky divers,

Sources at the BNP School Of Sky Diving have said they have no idea why their flippers and snorkels did not open...

[Raistlin]

A Jewish man was walking around Jerusalem when a bill board caught his eye.

It read, "We would rather do business with 1000 Arabs than one single Jew !"

The Jewish man stopped and asked himself what place would advertise such a racist proclamation.

Then he got it... Funeral Directors

[Raistlin]

My electrician just explained Einstein's theory of relativity.

I thought, 'There's a bright spark'...

[Raistlin]

The lads and I went to a TOC meet last week and as usual Vic was straight on the pull,

We call him the "The Hammer" because he will try to nail anything.

The lads told Kynan they decided that his nickname would be "The Candle",

He perked up and asked them if it was something to do with the size of his manhood.

We said "No it's cos you normally get blown out at the end of the night"...

[Raistlin]

My daughter came downstairs wearing a low-cut top that showed off her ample cleavage, and a short skirt that more resembled a belt.

'Take that off this instant', I demanded.

'But Dad, I thought it looked nice', she replied.

'Oh, it does. It does'...

[Raistlin]

My wife died because she got hit by a bus today, and now I'm very upset.

I lost my job as a bus driver...