Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been fucked?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No."

She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

[Bizarra]

More sttt...uuutttter...ing

"What’s it to be?", asks the barmaid.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..................", says the Englishman.

Up steps the Irishman, "Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui......"

Up steps the Scotsman. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th.............."

"Bugger this," says the barmaid and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", says the Englishman.

"Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui", says the Irishman.

"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th", says the Scotsman.

"Look," says the barmaid, who loves a bet and was sure that no one would win. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I’ll let you take me upstairs ". "So," she says turning to the Englishman, "where do you live?"

"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."

"No, you lose," says the barmaid.

Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live?" she asks.

"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin."

"No, you lose," says the barmaid.

"And where do you live?" she asks the Irishman.

"London," says the Irishman.

"Oh bugger " thinks the barmaid as great cheer goes up in the pub. So she reluctantly takes the Irishman by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips off and spreads on bed. The Irishman climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke he suddenly screams out

"...............- D D D D D D D D Derry!!"

[Raistlin]

Nothing turns me on more than knee high socks.

Which makes match day awkward...

[Raistlin]

Osama Bin Ladens son, Omar was refused entry to the UK to marry his British fiancee.

What's wrong with this country ?

It doesn't take a genius to let Omar through customs, take his mobile and simply call Dad...

[Raistlin]

The Vatican is to start printing a Catholic edition of Playboy.

It still has a center fold,

But you have to pull it out just at the right moment...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Taliban bullet hit his helmet but RAF man kept on flying"

As opposed to falling on the floor, crying for his mummy and waiting for the helicopter to crash ?

[Raistlin]

A paedophile came up to me the other day and asked wheres a good place to pick up kids,

Well it's swings and roundabouts really...

[Raistlin]

Duran Duran have re-released one of their songs for Englands World Cup attempt,

All together now :-

His name is Rio and he watches from the stands...

[Raistlin]

I want to live in a world where a chicken can cross a road without its motives being questioned...

[Raistlin]

My friends girfriend finished him because he asked for her sisters mobile number just to wind her up.

"I don't understand, I wouldn't have done anything with it" he said.

"I know" I replied "She's dead"...

[Raistlin]

My neighbour accused me of stealing things from his garden.

I took a fence...

[Raistlin]

Members of the French football team have said they like to act out famous films they have watched in the locker room.

Personally I'm waiting to see Diaby Does Gallas...

[Raistlin]

I tried to send an e-mail today and my computer broke.

I knew it wouldn't fit through the letterbox...

[Raistlin]

I went to the doctors the other day, he told me he was paranoid.

Actually, he didn't say that, but I knew he was thinking it...

[Raistlin]

A fat woman goes to the doctors and asks "Is there an exercise i can do to lose weight ?"

Doctor says "Sure, you can try shaking your head from side to side"

"Oh good" says the woman "How often should I do this ?"

"Everytime you're offered food, you fat bitch !" replies the Doc...

[Raistlin]

Don't bother sending your children's old toys to Africa.

Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them...

[Raistlin]

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer. "You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one ?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic.

"Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday"

[Raistlin]

I bought some of that Emo wallpaper.

Just waiting now for it to hang itself...

[Raistlin]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink from a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a pint then asks "Whats your IQ The man replies 150 why ?

The robot then chats about global warming quantum physics and theology.

He is impressed and decides to test the robot, he leaves the bar turns round and comes back in for another pint the robot serves him and asks whats your IQ.

The man replies "About 100" Immediately the robot starts talking about football cricket golf cars and womens breasts.

This really impressed him so he decides to give the robot one more test.

He returns the robot serves him and asks "Whats your IQ The man replies "Er 10 I think"

The robot slowly says "So ---are ---ya ---gonna --- renew---yer---season---ticket ---for---Chelsea --again---next---year ?

[Raistlin]

BBC News: The Iron Lady returns to No10

No more creased shirts for Cameron then...

[Raistlin]

I've just had my first Beaver curry,

It was like any other curry only a little Otter...

[Bizarra]

Funny puns

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

3. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

4. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

5. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

6. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

7. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

8. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

9. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

10. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

[Raistlin]

How does a welshman find sheep in long grass ?

Very Satisfying...

[Raistlin]

While Liverpoll FC are still searching for their manager it hasn't stopped managing director Chritian Purslow signing a couple of players,

They are rumoured to be a Japanese forward and a Italian midfielder, Dalglish seems to think they'd come to Liverpool because they'd fit in with the Scouse culture perfectly,

Their names are Nikamota and Robatelli...

[Raistlin]

Wedding rings: The world's smallest handcuffs.