Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I discovered recently that people don't like you using web abbreviations in everyday conversation. I said someone was 'rofl'-ing today and people looked at me disapprovingly.

Although I can't be sure it was the abbreviation they didn't like or if it was because apparently an epileptic fit "isn't a laughing matter."

[Raistlin]

I got fired from my job at Pepsi today,

My lab results came back positive for Coke...

[Raistlin]

My doctor recently diagnosed my youngest son as being a mute.

But he doesn't like to talk about it...

[Raistlin]

A tortoise had been raped by two snails.

"Can you describe them" the tortoise is asked by the Police.

"I don't know" he replies "It all happened so fast."

[Raistlin]

My wife was killed yesterday,

I'll never forget her last words "Make your own sandwich"...

[Raistlin]

Earlier, I was arrested for stealing bundles of straw.

I made bail...

[Bizarra]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

---

What did the aspiring Yogi say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

---

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[Bizarra]

The Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did."

[Raistlin]

BBC News: It was the 40th Earth Day this year

Which is bad news for Earth.

Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt and soon you look as bad as Uranus...

[Bizarra]

The Obituary of Pop-N-Fresh

Veteran Pillsbury Spokesman, Pop-N Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71 years old. Fresh was buried with one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry jack, Betty Crocker, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours, as long time friend, Aunt Jemima ,delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered to be a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 or about 20 minutes.

[Raistlin]

I for one am quite looking forward to Englands first game in the World Cup against America.

It'll be nice for them to be shooting at the English when they're actually meant to for a change...

[Bizarra]

The Sacrifice of Isaac

Some theologians were trying to figure out how old Isaac was when he was

about to be sacrificed. They set a minimum age of 6 because he

could tell there wasn't a sacrifice and was able to help carry the wood.

They also set a maximum age of 12, because if he was over that, he would

have been a teenager, and that wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

[Bizarra]

At The Restaurant

A fellow came into a restaurant, sat down at the bar, and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his drink, he heard this tiny voice that said "Nice haircut!". The man looked around but didn't see anyone. A few minutes passed and once again this same small voice said "What a nice tie you have on!" He turned completely around, looking carefully, but there was nobody there. Getting a little uneasy, he heard the voice again. "That sure is a nice jacket your wearing!".

Wondering what was going on, he called the bartender over and asked, "Bartender, Am I going crazy? I keep hearing this tiny voice and yet there's nobody around." The bartender replied, "Oh that's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."

[Raistlin]

One good thing about this season of Big Brother, at least they cant put Jade Goody back in again.

What - she's in the ashtray's and the vacuum cleaner....

[Bizarra]

The Pole-vaulter

As I was walking to the drugstore, I said to this guy standing on the

corner "Are you a pole-vaulter?" and he replied "No, I'm German......

and how did you know my name was Walter?"

[Bizarra]

The Elevator

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".

The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don`t know what it is!".

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a

wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

[Raistlin]

I've just been watching a bunch of chickens on a conveyor belt,

It was poultry in motion...

[Bizarra]

The car breakdown

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?".

[Bizarra]

Knock! Knock!

Who's There?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne da bathtub, I'm dwoundin!

[Bizarra]

"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name"

"A day without sunshine is like, night."

"Honk if you love Peace and Quiet"

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."

Hukdt on foniks workd for me.

[Raistlin]

My boss is a right bastard,

He always turns up late and absolutely reeks of alcohol,

He always ends up losing half of my pay-check down the bookies,

And to top it all off, I think he is having sex with my wife..

But then again, there are some advantages to being self-employed.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: 'Woman strip searched for no reason'.

I would have thought the reason was quite obvious...

[Raistlin]

A Jew, a Gay and a Muslim walk into bar.

What a perfect example of an intergrated community...

[Raistlin]

Mock David Beckham for being thick all you want, but he's a no nonsense father

The other day when Brooklyn was naughty he confiscated his air guitar...

[Raistlin]

I recently subscribed to SKY TV.

They sent a man round to my house in order to set up the satellite.

Strange, I always thought it was a woman's job to do the dishes...