Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I got an email from my boss today saying that the company would be showing all England matches that are played during working hours,

They are showing it on a projector screen with a full range of refreshments provided for all employees.

It seems like an awful lot of money to waste when we'll all be going sick anyway...

[Raistlin]

I've got no control,

I can't escape,

I can't see an end,

I can never return and I need space.

I'm never buying a keyboard from Poundland again...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) has hit Liverpool in the early hours of this morning.

Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "faaackinel lar."

The hurricane decimated the area causing at least £20 worth of damage.

Many locals were woken well before their giro's arrived.

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

This appeal is to raise money to those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this terrible act of god.

Therefore any Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuits or Rockport boots will be gratefully appreciated.

Thank you.

[Raistlin]

What's big, Scottish and depressing ?

Scotland...

[Raistlin]

At the World Cup from tomorrow there's a thin line between success and failure.

It's called Hadrians Wall...

[Raistlin]

I'm going to the pub this afternoon to watch Scotland Vs Ireland.

I love watching old men play darts...

[Raistlin]

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £1.50 per minute...

[Raistlin]

An old lady goes to the dentist and drops her knickers.

The dentist says 'I'm not a gynecologist!'

The old lady says "I know that.. I want you to take my husband's teeth out"

[Raistlin]

As I looked down into my shopping trolley at the hotdogs, budweiser and doritos I was buying, ready for the boys coming round to watch England V USA,

I realised that in a lot of ways, we've already lost...

[Raistlin]

Sky News : British Students killed in South African crash - It isn't believed they were in South Africa for the World Cup,

Well thank God for that, Otherwise their families would have been devastated...

[Raistlin]

I only just make a living as a viagra tester.

It's a hard life...

[Raistlin]

My wife asked me to fix the plug on the tv.

I re-fused...

[Raistlin]

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - Who tells her to "Take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - Who tells her to "Open wide."

3. The Milkman - Who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back ?"

4. The Hairdresser - Who asks her "Do you want it teased or blown ?"

5. The Interior Designer - Who assures her "Once it's inside, you'll LOVE it"

6. The Banker - Who insists to her "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The Primal Hunter - Who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still"

[Raistlin]

Last night my wife said I have a serious erectile dysfunction.

I almost chocked on my Viagra...

[Raistlin]

David and Victoria Beckham were walking around in a shopping centre and as Posh was trying on dresses,

David had a look around in the kitchen utensils.

He saw a shiny round cylinder and couldn't help but ask a member of staff what it was.

'That's a thermo flask David' replied the woman.

'Wow, so what does it do ?' asked David.. the woman replies 'It's keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold'

David was completely shocked by this so he decided to buy one.

A week later he was in the changing rooms with Wayne Rooney and Beckham said 'Hey Wayne, look at this...It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold'

Wayne asked 'What have you got in it ?'

David replied 'Two cups of Coffee and a Choc ice'

[Raistlin]

I have a new, but slightly overweight girlfriend.

I whispered in her ear ''Want to try bukkake?''

''Go on then,'' she said. ''Just a small slice.''

[Raistlin]

Being Scottish, I get really upset whenever a football tournament comes around.

I remember the good old days when we always qualified for the world cup.

Celebrating with all my friends every time we won.

God we were great at that pre-match coin toss...

[Raistlin]

Just told my new bride "The last thing I want to do is hurt you"

"Oops, Sorry the list's upside down"...

[Raistlin]

South Korea just made a substitution,

Apparently...

[Raistlin]

Wayne Rooney has been hailed as the new Pele.

Not because of his footballing ability, because he has erection problems...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Condom factory burns down in ENGLAND

Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP MINISTER FOR HEALTH is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

'Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!

I've just received word that the Durex factory in Liverpool has burned to the ground.

It is estimated that the entire English supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.'

Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP: 'Sh*t !!

The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.... We'll be ruined.'

'We're going to have to ship some in from France?'

Bad idea! The frogs will have a field day on this one.'

Junior Minister: 'What about Scotland?'

Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP: 'I'll call Alex Salmond.'

Tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick.

That way they'll continue to respect the English

Three days later a delighted Andy Burnham MP runs out to open the boxes that arrived at the Post Office.

He finds five million condoms:

10 inches long, 3 inches thick, all coloured blue and white with small writing on each one.

MADE IN SCOTLAND - SIZE: MEDIUM

[Raistlin]

MSN News: There was a warning in London today of a car bomb parked outside a mosque,

A Police spokesman said "Dont worry, we've managed to push it inside"...

[Raistlin]

Have you heard about the Irish Paedophile ?

He was caught hanging around the Old Folks Home...

[Raistlin]

England v USA live on TV,

Apart from Wales, Scotland and Ireland.

There they will be showing the 1985 classic 'Out of Africa' and back to back episodes of ' Wish you were here '

[Raistlin]

A recent report says that 60% of fourteen year old girls in Liverpool go binge drinking,

That's terrible who's looking after their kids...