Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you

The man says: ''I now pronounce you man and wife ''...

[Raistlin]

I'm a neurologist and I get on peoples nerves.. :D

[Raistlin]

I was speaking to my American friend who lives in Mississippi on the phone earlier and he said there is a lot of 'Anti-British' feeling at the moment due to the BP fiasco.

In hindsight, perhaps saying, "Maybe the England v USA game will pour oil on troubled waters" wasn't my best move...

[Raistlin]

World Cup: England V USA

Finally a moment when the Americans are meant to shoot at us...

[Bizarra]

I'm a neurologist and I get on peoples nerves.. :D

Every one knew that, but not the reason why ! :D

[Bizarra]

Pronunciation

There were these two English chaps having lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

They approached the waitress and said that they were having trouble pronouncing where they were and asked her to say it really slowly for them

She answered B - U - R - G - E - R - K - I - N - G

[Bizarra]

The Vent

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He’s going through his usual off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:

"I’ve heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person’s hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

[Raistlin]

Steve Gerrard "The whole team is behind Rob Green".

In retrospect, that's a good place to stand...

[Raistlin]

Well Done Mr Green,

That's one spill the USA won't be complaining about...

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't do goalkeepers...

... But if they did, they wouldn't be Robert Green

[Bizarra]

Wimmin

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW !

The women immediately leans out her window and yells, TOSSER !

They each continue on their way, and as the women rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.

If only women would listen.

[Bizarra]

Female hormones in beer

A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

...and had to sit down while urinating.

[Raistlin]

Fashion tip no.13

Green is the new Black...

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between Rob Green and a school for special children ?

Nothing,

They both let the simple ones in...

[Raistlin]

Green was so depressed when he got back to the dressing room,

He dropped his head into his hands,

And missed...

[Raistlin]

ITV Sports: Not a bad performance from Rob Green over all, some great saves.

You have to hand it to him...or else he would drop it and let it in...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Feeling depressed after letting everyone down Rob Green wanted to end his shame by jumping in front of the England team bus.

The bus went underneath him...

[Raistlin]

Here's hopin' that the England United shoot some totally awesome strikes past the goaltender in the World Series of Soccerball today.

[Raistlin]

After that performance, England have got as much chance as getting a semi as Pele...

[Raistlin]

The England camp are saying that the new world cup ball was to blame for Rob Green's howler.

If the hand of God wasn't bad enough now we have to pit our wits against a magical orb...

[Raistlin]

Fabio Capello has warned all of his players about the possible dangers of catching Aids during this trip to Africa.

All except for Robert Green that is, who is in NO danger of catching anything at all...

[Raistlin]

My computer has just been infected with the "Rob Green Virus",

I can't save anything....

[Raistlin]

Have you seen the new "Rob Green condoms ?"

They're extra slippery and you're guaranteed not to catch anything...

[Raistlin]

It doesn't matter how gorgeous Karen Gillan is,

When you take the wrapper off you're still faced with pink tits and a ginger triangle...

[Raistlin]

I've just booked my wife a bungee jumping experience. The guy on the phone said £10, travel and accommodation included, no strings attached.

I was hard pressed, but he had a deal on the third promise...