Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

BREAKING NEWS: Flash Floods hit Scotland

Reports are coming through of severe flooding in the central belt.

Experts say this has been caused by 5 million Scots pissing themselves laughing at the England keeper's stuff up...

[Raistlin]

If you were wondering what those things are making that annoying hooting noise during the world cup.

They are called Africans...

[Raistlin]

Watching the World Cup is a lot like being married.

You're supposed to enjoy it, but there's a constant droning sound in the background...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Jeremy Clarkson on heroin binge

When asked what influenced him to do such a thing he said he had no idea, but he thought it was top gear...

[Raistlin]

I think the football last night proved something to us all,

When America and England get together nobody wins...

[Raistlin]

Nelson Mandella thinks he had an upsetting week,

I picked Rob Green in goal on my fantasy football team...

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS: " Green vows to bounce back"

Just like the ball did...

[Raistlin]

Apparently Robert Green has been called in for a random drug test,

I'm pretty sure it isn't because they think he'd used any performance enhancing drugs...

[Raistlin]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do, every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that, when your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor's looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me"

Doctor: "Now you see how much keeping your mouth shut helps"

[Raistlin]

ABC News: Two Muslim terrorists in a Toyota Tarago have driven off a cliff in Sydney,

Police officers at the scene said it was an appalling tragedy as the vehicle was capable of seating seven...

[Raistlin]

I end every text message to my ex wife with Diyubich,

I tell her it is Cornish for Goodbye...

[Raistlin]

I had my identity stolen by a Nigerian fraudster last week.

I'd love to see the look on his face when he realises I'm a convicted rapist.

[Raistlin]

Robert Green should be locked up for that mistake.

He'll never drop anything again after he's been in the prison showers a few times...

[Raistlin]

We in the Gay community have decided to make Robert Green a Gay icon,

After all any man that can gently palm and caress balls like that is what we call...a keeper

[Raistlin]

If sex is such good exercise,

why are there fat sluts ?

[Raistlin]

I was convicted of stealing a car today.

When questioned by the judge about my motives, I said "Your Toyota is My Toyota"

[Raistlin]

A girl screamed blue murder last night in the nightclub I was in, shouting that she'd been groped,

The doorman came over and asked if anyone knew anything about it,

I had to put my hand up...

[Raistlin]

The new PM and his wife, David and Samatha Cameron, visit a new hospital for disabled children.

Whilst David is talking to the press, Samatha decides to say hello to the kids.

She stops at the first bed and says, "Hello, what's your name sweethart?"

The kid says, "petal."

Samantha says, "that's a lovely name, do you know why you're called that?"

Petal says, "because when I was born a petal from a flower fell on my head."

Samantha moves onto the next bed and says, "Hello darling, what's your name?"

The kid says "Daisy."

Samantha says, "that's a lovely name, do you know why you're called that?"

Daisy says, "because when I was born a Daisy fell on my head."

Samantha moves on to the last girl in the ward. Her face is horribly disfigured, she can barely talk. She looks so bad, Samantha can hardly stop herself from crying.

Samatha chokes back the tears and says, "My poor love, what is your name?"

The kid, barely able to get the words out, stammers a few times then says,"Breeze Block"

[Raistlin]

I don't know which is sadder, the fact that I usually eat Christmas dinner alone,

Or that I had it in June...

[Raistlin]

Oh, so you're starving are you ?

Well stop spending my donations on annoying plastic trumpets, and buy some rice...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser ?

Batman can go anywhere without Robin...

[Raistlin]

I met a beautiful Chinese woman recently, called Hi-Hat.

Apparently she's something of a sex cymbal in the Far East...

[Raistlin]

Paul Gascoigne is a mentally unstable alcoholic and regular drug user,

And yet for him to have a car accident it still requires a woman driver...

[Raistlin]

Apparently Rachael from Big Brother is a Beyonce lookalike.

Unfortunately for her, over here a "ghetto booty" is simply known as a "fat arse".

[Raistlin]

I was in Tesco looking for OXO cubes.

I saw beef, chicken, lamb, vegetable and Rob Green.

So I said to the shop assistant, "What is the Rob Green"

And he replied "It's new out, it's a laughing stock"...