Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I got in to a taxi and said to the driver, "King Arthur's Close",

He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights"...

[Raistlin]

My mate Reece is a pessimistic person.

He say's the glass is half empty, even when it's full...

[Bizarra]

Sorry ! This was copied & pasted

Irish wage war on Iraq

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering where to hide his weapons next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I’ll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I’ll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Harrigan’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I’ll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o" the mornin’, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I’m sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we’ve all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there’s no FECKIN way we can feed two million prisoners."

[Bizarra]

The Rude Salesman

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite."

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won’t punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I’m not going to punch anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!"

[Raistlin]

Alcohol free lager,

It's like licking your sister's bit's,

It tastes the same but it's just not right...

[Bizarra]

Confusing accent

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat’s dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis look loike grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a "SPLAT’. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin" is too fockin" dangerous for me"

====== PART TWO =======

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a bag He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An" oim never troyin" dat parrotshooting nider"

====== PART THREE =======

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying another bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin" hen gliding"

[Raistlin]

Vuvuzela's

One way to cover the buzzing of a billion flies...

[Raistlin]

It was emotional on the day of my wedding.

The wife found out I'd been shagging one of the bridesmaids and during the reception started throwing the wedding cake at me.

That's when I got a tier in my eye...

[Raistlin]

I tried to go swimming with a dolphin, yesterday.

He died on the bus on the way to the pool...

[Bizarra]

Vuvuzela's

One way to cover the buzzing of a billion flies...

Or put a little grease on the zips

[Raistlin]

Vuvuzela's

One way to cover the buzzing of a billion flies...

Or put a little grease on the zips

I bow to you greater knowledge of such things...

[Bizarra]

Softball In Heaven

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day

Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and

we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to

Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you’ve been my

best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a

blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it’s me, Rose."

"You’re not Rose. Rose just died."

"I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose" insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there’s softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

That’s fantastic," said Barb. "It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?"

"You’re pitching Tuesday."

[Bizarra]

The UPS guy

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving through a neighborhood on his usual delivery route. As he approaches one of the homes to drop off a package, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

As he was carrying the package to the door, his wonderment was cut short by the sight of Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow. Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night, the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.

We all got so drunk that around midnight, we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our ’privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

"The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I’m sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.

"Your name came up seven times"....

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Recent government statistics indicate that casual violence is rapidly declining in Scotland.

Experts speculate that there is a direct link with this phenomenon and a recent shirt sale in TK Maxx, Glasgow...

[Raistlin]

I went out for a meal last night,

To impress I ordered everything in French,

Which surprised everybody,

It was a Chinese restaurant...

[Bizarra]

Q & A

Q: Why are women like screen doors?

A: Once they get banged a few times,they loosen up.

Q: What’s a wife?

A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?

A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: What are a woman’s four favourite animals?

A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: What did God say after creating man?

A: I must be able to do better than that.

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?

A: "Practice makes perfect."

[Raistlin]

What do Japanese men do when they have erections ?

Vote...

[Raistlin]

Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around the reception when he notices a sign on the wall.

He asks the owner, "What time do you get in by?"

The owner looks confused and says, "Well, I'm the owner, I live here. Why do you ask ?"

Paddy says, "Well, on that sign there it says, 'Guests have to be in before you!"

The owner replies, "No, you thick sod, It says, 'Guests must be in before 1 am"

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Eccleston talks about Who exit

I didn't even know Bernie used to be a rock star...

[Raistlin]

I got told off for peeing in the swimming pool.

I don't know why,

It wasn't like I was going to get in it....

[Raistlin]

Everybody remembers Gazza crying after recieving a yellow card and not being able to play in the final.

I have a feeling there will be a lot of tears in South Africa this tournament,

That's tear gas for you...

[Raistlin]

I saw an advert on the Television asking "Are You Smarter Than A Ten-Year-Old ?"

I thought "Of course, I never ACTUALLY have any sweets in my car"...

[Raistlin]

What's worse than visiting Scotland?

Living in Scotland...

[Raistlin]

I took this girl back to mine from a club last night and as we were getting down to business I noticed she was rubbing her bits with liquorice,

Apparently it's the only way she can orgasm.

It takes Allsorts I suppose...

[Bizarra]

Prostate Exam

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99."

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99."

Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99."

The guy slowly begins, "One .. Two ... Three ...."