Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Dont Cheat

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can’t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a knackered Skoda that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You’re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: I just saw my wife on rollerskates!

[Raistlin]

The legend of the Werewolf: once a month, a perfectly normal human being transforms into a savage blood thirsty beast.

Oh wait no, that's the menstrual cycle...

[Raistlin]

Today in Africa someone dies every 3 seconds,

Just think by the 90th minute that's 1800 less Vuvuzelas...

[Bizarra]

Husband Super Store

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what’s further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said,

This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fcukin impossible to please.

The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs.

[Raistlin]

Recreate the Vuvuzela noise from a World Cup Match in surround sound,

Simply place a woman in each corner of the living room and asking them how their day at work was..

[Raistlin]

My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches.

She's used to hearing a tirade of horns every time she pulls out at a roundabout...

[Raistlin]

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack,

the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the managers office, "Tree's cut. Do I get the job?"

"I don't believe it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it. Where did you learn to use an axe like that?" the manager inquired.

"Sahara Forest," the little guy replied.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the manager corrected him.

"Sure, that's what they call it now."

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Paratroopers criticise Saville report Bloody Sunday findings,

When challenged Jimmy said "Now then, Now then"...

[Raistlin]

Sexism,

Obviously just another lie concocted by women with nothing better to do between making sandwiches and ironing.

[Raistlin]

I wish my wife had been designed by Microsoft.

Then there would have been an 'Always on top' option...

[Raistlin]

I just dropped my mobile phone in the toilet,

When I took it out it was ringing...

[Raistlin]

* Friday 18th June *

Don't miss a war of two nations! England vs Algeria

One of them a fanatical muslim country, where bombers and terrorists are born and trained, Where tough Sharia Law is being imposed and White Christians live in fear,

The other is Algeria....

[Raistlin]

The Metropolitan Police are looking for a frenzied rapist.

I called them up but was sorely disappointed,

Apparently it isn't a job...

[Raistlin]

I'm currently installing the French version of Windows 7

I hear it runs really fast...

[Raistlin]

A Teacher asks her class: "What do your dads do at weekends ?"

A little boy sticks his hand up "He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets his punters have sex with him"

The Teacher takes the little boy outside shocked at what she just heard.

"Is that true ?" she says,

The child replies "No miss, it's bollocks, He plays in goal for England but I'm too ashamed to say"

[Raistlin]

I was really depressed last night so I called the Samaritans.

I got transfered to a call centre in Pakistan.

I told them I was feeling suicidal,

They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...

[Raistlin]

Do you hear the latest about former pop star Gary Glitter,

They found Class A drugs in his kitchen,

Class B drugs in the sitting room,

And Class 4c in his bedroom...

[Raistlin]

Finally....

Red card + Penalty = vuvuzelas quiet.

[Raistlin]

It looks like the South Africans are going home early.

Which will provide a welcome boost for British Airways...

[Raistlin]

My friend said to me, "My wife makes Susan Boyle look beautiful."

I said, "Thank God you said that I've been wanting to say something for years, She's so ugly - What were you thinking when you married her ?"

He said, "No, you bastard, she's Susan's new personal make-up artist"...

[Bizarra]

Grass Eater

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don’t have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for offering to feed us."

The rich man replied, "No problem at all - the grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

[Bizarra]

Co-Worker Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It’s Keith... the midget."

[Bizarra]

Geordie baby

A Geordie is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Geordie baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Geordie just shrugs, "That’s about average in the Northeast. Like I said, my boy is a typical Geordie baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Jeezaz" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Geordie returns to the bar. The bartender says "You’re the father of that typical Geordie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody’s been having bets about how big he’d be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?"

The proud father answers, "17 pounds"

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Geordie father takes a long s­l­o­w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............

"Had him circumcised"

[Bizarra]

Mad Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to top speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma’am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable stiffy.

"Oh, shit" cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again!"

[Bizarra]

New neighbour ...

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe, Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on, Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely naked, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It’s got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?"

"Yes .."

"Well ... that was me."