Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Word for the day

CONDOMINIUM

A prophylactic for midgets.

[Raistlin]

A car breaks down along the M1 one day, so the driver eases it over onto the hard shoulder.

He jumps out of the car, opens the boot, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. T

his results in one of the worst pile-ups in history.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

[Raistlin]

Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed,

"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf!"

[Raistlin]

Hippies answerphone machine message:

"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

[Raistlin]

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.

Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.

"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand pounds !" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[Raistlin]

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

Won't you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.

I was a fool, nobody can take your place.

I love you.

All my love,

Belinda.

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

[Raistlin]

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a Battery.

She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.

She goes in and hands the man her clock.

The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions."

She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"

And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"

[Raistlin]

What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape ?

A retarded ape.

[Raistlin]

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, Wow mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

[Raistlin]

A sleeping couple is lying in a bed.

Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.

Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!"

Man jumps out from a window.

Flying down he starts to think: "But I am the husband !"

[Raistlin]

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside.

It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a houbik whisper.

"Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the £ 10,000 from your safe in the house ...

I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace.

I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you for income tax evasion..."

"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill.

"I have a small confession too, I'm the one who poisoned you."

[Raistlin]

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid, Tomorrow morning, put £10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the £10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

[Raistlin]

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

[Raistlin]

The Scottish couple finally worked out a solution to the eternal love triangle.

They ate the sheep.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus ?

He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, "Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys ?"

[Raistlin]

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1:

I can't seem to get this door unlocked !

Blonde#2:

Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

[Raistlin]

For all animal lovers out there:

How do you make a cat go 'woof'?

Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.

and...

How do you make a dog go 'miaow'?

Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...

[Raistlin]

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for.

Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.

[Raistlin]

How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves ?

She fell out of the tree

[Raistlin]

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the U.K.each year.

All these years I've been eating them raw.

[Raistlin]

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died, He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog ?"

[Raistlin]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[Raistlin]

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English.

One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired.

He started the conversation with:

"Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.

[Raistlin]

Six people were on a plane.

A doctor, a lawyer, a priest and 3 children.

The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and there are only three parachutes.

The doctor yells out, " Save the children"

The lawyer yells out "screw the children !"

The priest yells out " Is there time ?"

[Raistlin]

The three wise men are out for a stroll when its starts to rain.

When they come across a stable.

The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus !" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"