Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Bar Story

A huge muscular man walks into a pub and orders a beer.

The barman can’t help but stare because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The barman hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.’"

"Keep going!"

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes." I looked down at my scrawny body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?’"

"What next?" begged the barman.

"I looked at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We screwed away by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?’

I looked at her and replied, How about a little head?

[Raistlin]

My depressed mate, whose wife has recently died, was in the pub drowning his sorrows and said, "It's amazing how little people care."

I said, "I care, mate."

He said, "No, I mean... My dwarf hooker gave me a complimentary blow job."

[Raistlin]

I logged on to Youporn last night for a cheeky wank,

Three games of poker later I had white teeth and a sixpack...

[Raistlin]

I heard Nelson Mandela give the South African team a little pep talk.

It worked really well.

Something about ''Not getting tyred''...

[Raistlin]

Veteran comedian and England Supporters' Band member Bernie Clifton was treated in a Cape Town hospital yesterday after a car parked on his foot.

Its a pity he wasn't riding that ostrich at the time...

[Raistlin]

Mandela has said that if South Africa don't win their last match he's sending them to District 9...

[Raistlin]

During an emergency caesarian, our baby died. As my wife came round,

I didn't know how to break the news to her.

I summoned up all my courage and gently asked "Did you keep the Mothercare receipts ?"

[Raistlin]

People wonder why ships are reffered to as "she" when the answer's obvious.

As soon as they come in to port they head for the buoys,

They often reach astonishing weights and density,

They make one hell of a noise,

A fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and without a man at the helm,

They become an unpredictable death trap.

[Bizarra]

Exam Questions

Following questions and answers were collated from last year’s English GCSEs. (16 year olds)

Science

Q : Name the four seasons.

A : Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q : Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A : Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q : How is dew formed?

A : The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q : What is a planet?

A : A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q : What causes the tides in the oceans?

A : The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q : What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A : If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q : In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A : Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q : What are steroids?

A : Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q : What happens to your body as you age?

A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A : He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q : Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A : Premature death.

Q : What is artificial insemination?

A : When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q : How can you delay milk turning sour?

A : Keep it in the cow.

Q : How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)

A : The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q : What is the Fibula?

A : A small lie.

Q : What does "varicose" mean?

A : Nearby.

Q : What is the most common form of birth control?

A : Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q : Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A : The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q : What is a seizure?

A : A Roman emperor.

Q : What is a terminal illness?

A : When you are sick at the airport

Q : Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A : Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English

Q : Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q : What does the word "benign" mean?

A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q : What is a turbine?

A : Something an Arab wears on his head. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS: Crime 'hits 1 in 4 children'

Who the hell is Crime, and why haven't we given him a medal ?

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Jordan and a Vuvuzela horn ?

One is a cheap plastic piece of trash that is there making it's annoying whining noise, every time you turn on the T.V.

The other is a musical instrument...

[Raistlin]

My local florist doesn't like butter.

They're not interflora either...

[Raistlin]

North Korea's Jong Tae-se is reportedly the only member of the team with a mobile phone.

That'll teach them for booking their training facility next to the Nigerian camp...

[Raistlin]

Cheryl Cole :

The next time she comes on the television so will I...

[Raistlin]

The BBC have announced that you can now press the red button to block out that hideous noise during the football.

Now that they've blocked Mick Mcarthy's voice, hopefully they will do something about the vuvuzelas as well...

[Raistlin]

It was the happiest day of my life.

Arrived at the church, my wife waiting at the altar.

I walked up the aisle, kissed her gently on the cheek.

Then I smiled and closed the lid...

[Raistlin]

I have just been arrested for dying the wool on my neighbours sheep,

They done me for "bleaching the fleece"...

[Raistlin]

The French are bracing themselves for more floods,After the pitiful performance of their football team...

[Raistlin]

France knocked out of the World Cup ?

Well, the African teams were always going to struggle...

[Raistlin]

Looks like France will be going home early after that World Cup defeat.

Fortunately, most of their players don't have far to travel...

[Raistlin]

The Bible:

The ancient Jewish form of Harry Potter that got seriously out of hand...

[Raistlin]

RTE News: Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...

[Raistlin]

I love how camping sites now have free Wi-Fi.

Thats great, because now if I stumble across a plant in the woods that I'm not familiar with,

I can go back to my camper, open up my laptop, and masturbate furiously...

[Raistlin]

Never have sex with a blonde midget,

Its not big and its not clever...

[Raistlin]

I pulled a girl on Friday night, took her back to my flat and shagged her.

She was so fat and ugly that my memory foam mattress is still having nightmares...