Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

After France's defeat last night they are now relying on another country to save them.

Where have I heard this before ?

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Wayne Rooney has been taken to hospital suffering from shock ahead of tonights match with Algeria.

He thought he was having 90 minutes of Algebra...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: The Government have pulled the funding for a new Visitor Centre at Stonehenge.

They ought to finish the original building first...

[Raistlin]

When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time it's hard not to think to yourself,

I've licked your daughter's nipples...

[Raistlin]

A man goes to his local doctors;

"I've got this throbbing pain in my arm."

"Well we've got this new machine, if you put a sample of bodily fluid in it it will give you an accurate diagnoses of the problem."

So the man gives the doctor a urine sample and pours it into the machine.

After a few seconds of beeping a slip of paper slides out, saying "You have Tennis Elbow. We recommend resting your arm for 3 weeks and the pain will subside."

"That's amazing!" exclaims the man "Is it always right?"

"Yes, infact it's guaranteed.

If it's wrong you will receive £50,000 for it's mistake."

The man leaves thinking of a way to try and fool the machine.

So he goes home, collects a sample of urine from his wife, his daughter, a stool sample from his dog, mixes it all together, and wanks in it for good measure.

The next day he returns to the doctor and asks him to try and analyze the new sample.

The doctor pours the mixture in, and after almost a minute of beeping and buzzing it gives a long print out.

"Your wife is pregnant, and it's not your baby.

Your daughter is on cocaine, call the Samaritans.

Your dog has worms, take him to the vets.

And if you don't stop wanking your arm will never get better"...

[Raistlin]

USA News: USA beats England 1-1

Well, after beating Slovenia 2-2, America sure are on their way to World Cup glory...

[Raistlin]

The good news is Rob Green has been dropped from tonight's England game.

The bad news is he's been replaced by Calamity James...

[Raistlin]

After that dismal performance, at least you can get some money back,

Buy a load of blank tapes and sell them off as England v Algeria highlights...

[Raistlin]

Did you notice the bird on the net,

Well he finished his nest,

England was never going to disturb him anyway...

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between England's recent performances and a bucket of shit ?

The Bucket...

[Raistlin]

There was a lot of England fans in the pub with me tonight,

I haven't had that many disappointed people around me since the last orgy I arranged...

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't do football teams,

But if they did, they'd still be better than England...

[Raistlin]

Instead of football training Fabio Capello's latest tactic is teaching the players Arts and crafts,

It is obviously working,

The England team is getting really good at drawing...

[Raistlin]

It was Fabio Capello birthday today,

All the England fans want you to know,

That if you want to see another one...

[Raistlin]

I've decided to do a spot of painting today, then I'm gonna watch it dry,

Well I need a bit of excitement after the match last night...

[Raistlin]

Fabio Capello walks up to a kid kicking a ball up against a wall and asks him if he wants to play for England.

The kid replies, "No, sorry I already get bullied enough for being ginger"...

[Raistlin]

Liverpool really is the capital of culture,

I parked my car and when I came back it was propped up on books...

[Raistlin]

They always say that when your team performs badly you should always draw on the positives,

So as an England fan I've had to search long and hard after yesterday but I think I've finally found something positive to say about our team.

We aren't Scottish...

[Raistlin]

I was at the England-Algeria match last night with Dr.Doolittle.

When the bird landed on the Algerian net Dr. Doolittle started laughing.

I said to him "What's tickled you ?"

He said that bird has just said to the England team "The goal's here you moron's"...

[Raistlin]

Four flights to South Africa £4,200.00

Hotel Accommodation £2,100.00

English Merchandise - £650.00

Food & Booze £5,750.00

Four Vuvuzelas - £16.00

The look on the English Fans faces after a 0:0 Draw with Algeria.......

Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's sweet F.A.

[Raistlin]

That England fan didn't breach security by entering the team's dressing room,

He was let in by Rob Green...

[Raistlin]

I'm a mechanic by trade, yesterday I had a lady come in asking if we sold extra long dip-sticks,

"Why is that?" I asked,

"Just because the one in my car at the moment, it isn't long enough to reach the oil"...

[Raistlin]

I can't believe we only managed a draw against such a rubbish team that we should easily have beaten,

I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian...

[Raistlin]

My Missus came home yesterday evening steaming drunk,

While she was undressing she fell over and passed out on the bedroom floor with her knickers round her ankles and her bum in the air,

Well there was no way I was going to miss an opportunity like that,

So I took the money from her purse and went straight to the pub...

[Raistlin]

What do you call an illegal immigrant just arrived off the boat ?

Ahmeer

What do you call a second illegal immigrant just off the boat ?

Ahmeer Azwel

What do you call a third illegal immigrant off the boat ?

Ahmeer Azwel Azim