Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between England and a tea bag ?

The tea bag can stay in the cup longer...

[Raistlin]

Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music.

The iTit will cost £399.99 and is regarded a major breakthrough as women are always complaining that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them...

[Raistlin]

That wasn't vuvuzelas,

That was the sound of grass snoring...

[Raistlin]

I was jumped by a guy the other night,

I tried to beat him off with a stick but I had to stop,

Until he got the splinter out...

[Raistlin]

Churchill if I join can I really count on you for 50% of my home insurance.

"Oooh Yes"

"I wouldn't believe a word of what he says, he told me he played catch with Robert Green"

[Raistlin]

Fabio has told gathered reporters that he is confident England will stay in South Africa after Wednesday's game against Slovenia.

He has been advised that BA will be on strike...

[Raistlin]

Man walks into brothel.

And asks "How much for total humiliation ?"

"£37.50" says the madam.

"What do I get for that ?"

"An England shirt"

[Raistlin]

Four points and playing against the easiest team in group in third round,

Slovenia has an excellent chance to make it to the knockout stage...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Police have solved the mystery of the two babies attacked by a fox.

Gary Glitter has just been arrested carrying a Basil Brush glove puppet...

[Raistlin]

I was up in the loft today and found my grandad's old wig weaving machine.

It's a family hair loom...

[Raistlin]

NCP Short Stay Airport Parking,

Proud sponsors of the England World Cup squad...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price ?

Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment.

[Raistlin]

World cup fixtures:

Monday, Argentina will meet Brazil in Cape Town,

Tuesday, Spain will meet Italy in Johannesburg,

On Wednesday, England will meet France at the airport...

[Raistlin]

My sister told me that her friend at work fancied me and wanted to go out for a drink,

I was well excited until I found out that her friends name was Dave...

[Raistlin]

What do you call a ginger at a party ?

Lost...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: BREAKING NEWS - England have a new coach.

It'll be picking them up from Heathrow on Thursday afternoon...

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't do World Cup winners.

So they sponsor the England team instead...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Watchdog calls for Trans-fats ban.

I quite agree,

There's nothing worse than seeing an overweight ladyboy ruin a good porno...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: Reports indicate domestic violence goes up by 40% when the World Cup is on.

In my defence, how hard is it to understand "COLD BEER" ?

[Raistlin]

The Vuvuzela....

Because football fans simply weren't quite irritating enough...

[Raistlin]

Joe Cole and Fabio Capello had a 'Clear the air' talk today,

'It was difficult because his English wasn't very good', said Capello...

[Raistlin]

France are getting beat again ,

I started think what's French for Deja Vu...

[Raistlin]

The France team should hang their heads in shame,

I'll get the rope...

[Raistlin]

France, the only team that made England look good...

[Raistlin]

Say what you like about Muslim women,

but they make great welders...