Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Whats the only thing France will win at this World Cup ?

The race back to the airport...

[Raistlin]

BBC NEWS: Michael Jackson makes $1billion since death.

Well, if your looking to make more money Bono..

[Raistlin]

I love Hay Fever.

It's a great excuse for staying in while my wife goes out and a handy excuse for why there's so many used tissues when she gets back...

[Raistlin]

England are to change their shirts for the next game.

The 3 lions will be replaced with 3 tampons to represent the worst period they've ever had...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: When the England fan got into their dressing room all the players managed to land a punch him before he was thrown out by security.

It was a definite case of the shit hitting the fan...

[Raistlin]

So the new government are increasing VAT to 20%.

We may have to pay more, but some maths questions are going to be a hell of a lot easier...

[Bizarra]

Double cross

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.

Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.

The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.

As the waitress approached with the bride’s toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don’t understand it. Here you a young bride with an old husband, looking like you’ve encountered a buzz saw."

"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

[Bizarra]

Nice kids

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into a shop with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The shopkeeper says, "Good morning... Nice children you’ve got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell... no they ain’t, the oldest one, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins...? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the shopkeeper, "I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice!"

[Bizarra]

Importance of a name

Peter decided to go skiing with his best mate, Bob. They loaded up Peter’s 4x4 and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I’m recently widowed," she explained, "and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow’s solicitor. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob’s face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I’m afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[Bizarra]

Positive thinking...

After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar in the wild west and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they’ve got no money and the barman won’t give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian’s scalp on his belt. The barman shakes his head and says,"I hate Indians. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the scalp of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars."

The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian...

later that day they see one, and Mick throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine. Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine where Paddy starts scalping the Indian.

Suddenly Mick says,"Paddy look at this...."

Paddy says,"In a minute."

"No, look at this....,"says Mick.

"No, can’t ya see i’m fookin busy....."

Mick grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.

"Fook me," says Paddy, "we’re gonna be millionaires."

[Raistlin]

BBC News: England have sensationally turned downd a £70 million deal with a dog food company.

Apparently fans said the thought of the team wearing a shirt with "Winalot" on the front was taking the piss...

[Raistlin]

Breaking news from the England camp : Heskey has just smashed a volley into the net,

Turns out he's rubbish at tennis as well...

[Raistlin]

There's a good film on BBC1 today at 3pm,

Out of Africa...

[Raistlin]

Nicolas Anelka got sent home for calling the french manager a name.

Capello, if your reading this, Heskey called you a wan........

[Raistlin]

I got home from work yesterday to find all the milk had disappeared.

I'm not sure what happened, but I eventually found it hidden behind one of the cupboards.

That's the last time I buy anything from Anne Franks Dairy...

[Raistlin]

So, the USA scored against Algeria late on in the game, meaning that despite the win England only come runners up in the group.

Not the first time they've arrived late and claimed total victory, and I'd bet on it not being the last...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Problem as landfill sites overflowing due to the world producing enough waste to fill Scotland.

I dont get it, Problem solved surely...

[Raistlin]

I asked Fabio Capello if he thought England would go 4-4-2 today.

He said "No, I think they will go 7-4-7, it's bigger and offers more leg room."

[Raistlin]

Everyone is always very quick to point the finger at paedophile priests.

But in all fairness, surely half the blame should be on the ten-year-old boys for being just so damned sexy...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Only 6% of rape cases end in a conviction,

Wonder how many of you were also thinking ''Hmm, Nice odds....''

[Raistlin]

What do you an call an Irishman who wins the U.S Open ?

British...

[Raistlin]

Apparently there's going to be a hosepipe ban because there isn't enough rain falling into the reservoirs.

Well I can donate some water from my tap if they want, I've got plenty...

[Raistlin]

The new Apple iPhone 4:

Because you haven't been conned out of enough money yet...

[Bizarra]

Apparently there's going to be a hosepipe ban because there isn't enough rain falling into the reservoirs.

Well I can donate some water from my tap if they want, I've got plenty...

You are on Diuretics ? :D

[Bizarra]

What do you an call an Irishman who wins the U.S Open ?

British...

Very true :( and in Boxing etc :ffs: