Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What do you an call an Irishman who wins the U.S Open ?

British...

Very true and in Boxing etc

You should be honoured with the inclusion :D

[Raistlin]

If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes,

However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get that down to about 5 minutes...

[Raistlin]

Microwaves,

Because women aren't allowed an xbox...

[Raistlin]

Why do women have smaller feet than men ?

To stand closer to the sink...

[Raistlin]

In 2006, France and Italy met at the World Cup Final.

In 2010, they will meet at the airport...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Australia has its first female PM,

I predict their economy will crash,

In to the back of another economy...

[Raistlin]

When you mix English and Norwegian you get a Geordie.

When you mix Irish and English you get a Scouser.

Now if you mix a Geordie with a Scouser you get your car stereo nicked...

[Raistlin]

My hats go off to those two tennis players who were involved in a marathon game that has broken hundreds of records.

The only one they didn't break, apparently, was the most balls hit in a day.

Katie Price's chin still holds that title....

[Raistlin]

They say "crime doesn't pay"

Well I work in Liverpool's Cash Converters, and apparently it does...

[Raistlin]

Katie Price is like a Six year old girl,

You've had her but don't want anyone to know...

[Raistlin]

Nothing says "I'm a Tosser" like having "Sent from my iPhone" on the end of your emails...

[Raistlin]

Don't you just hate people who knock on your door, collecting for Charity.

I had one collecting for the local Sperm Bank,

So gave her a right mouthful...

[Raistlin]

Steve Jobs od Apple has rubbished reports of problems with the new iPhone and the users hand position,

"We tested the handsets with Jeremy Beadle, Stephen Hawking and Abu Hamza and no problems were reported" ...

[Raistlin]

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender.

"Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another.

"Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye love ONE sheep...."

[Raistlin]

A welsh farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "this is the pig I have to fuck when your not up for sex".

His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep".

He says:"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep...

[Raistlin]

I love helping out at my local disability school.

I play all different games like tennis, football, it makes me feel really good inside.

I always win...

[fuel miser]

An Eskimo was on holiday in Wales. Whilst driving through a remote valley, his hire car suddenly splutters and conks in a cloud of steam. A farmer happens to be in a nearby field, who climbs over a gate, lifts the car bonnet, and, after poking around for a minute or two, slams it shut declaring..... "Trouble is boyo, you've blown a seal."

The Eskimo replies "So what, you shag sheep!"

[Raistlin]

Have you heard about Einsteins Theory of Incestual Sex ?

It's all Relative...

[Raistlin]

Many, many years ago

When I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow,

Pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter

With flowing hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

Now my daughter was my mother,

For she was my fathers wife.

To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy.

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,

Then that also made him brother

To the widows grown-up-daughter

Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Fathers wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughters son.

My wife is now my mothers mother

And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own bloody grandpa...

[fuel miser]

Waddingtons 'Incest'.........a game for all the family.

[Raistlin]

I've been to my local fish and chip shop quite a few times now so that i can understand the chinese man behind the counter,

"One portion please mate"

"Ah, sore finger ?"

"Yeah salt and vinegar please"

[Raistlin]

I used to hate P.E at school,

I had a pretty big tool and was embarrassed to take the group shower afterwards,

All the other girls just pointed and laughed...

[Raistlin]

I broke my leg today, then my wife said, "How did you do that?"

I replied, "I caught our daughter masturbating."

She said, "What's that got to do with breaking your leg?"

I then said, "I fell off the ladder."

[Raistlin]

Hanging England flags out of the Windows of a house,

Just in case you're wondering who the chavs on your street are...

[Raistlin]

My mate called me a chav today,

I nearly fell of my swing, making me spill some of my White Lightning on my Shell suit and my Burberry cap nearly fell off...