Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Necrophilia is a harsh term,

I prefer the term, "Cracking open a cold one" ...

[Raistlin]

Why has Specsavers decided to print their shop name in a blurry font ?

[Raistlin]

England fans are being advised to get to the game early on sunday,

So there aren't any towels on their seats...

[Bizarra]

Taking advantage

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my slippers for me ?"

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fook you."

The first daughter says, "That’s not true."

He says, "I’ll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them ?"

His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[Bizarra]

THE SHIT LIST

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you’ve, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost Shit

You know you’ve shit. There’s shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it still doesn’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit

You’re all done wiping your arse and you’re about to stand up when you realize it.....you’ve got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Right Now Shit

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit

This shit is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Wet Cheeks Shit

This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your arse wet.

Wish Shit

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Snake Shit

This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)

Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else’s house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)

You’ll know it’s alright to eat again when your arsehole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn’t smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there’s somebody standing outside to use the toilet. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else’s house.

The Frightened Turtle

The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit

The kind of shit that just hangs off your arse before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit

The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your arsehole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler

The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber

The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

The kind of shit that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit

The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it’s normal size.

The jack the Ripper Shit

The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your arse as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper

The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

Dirty Bowl Shit

The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit

You shit so much and wipe your arse so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit

It’s the shit that keeps running out of your arse like pee, and just when you start wiping your arse your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit

The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hopped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a scouser in a University ?

The Janitor...

[Raistlin]

An Irish man walks into a library.

The librarian looks at him, Laughs and says

"Well done for trying"...

[Raistlin]

Bowl of Carbonara Spaghetti - £6.50,

A 2002 Chianti Classico - £13.50,

Seeing The Italian football players having a little cry at the end of their final 2010 world cup game,

Priceless..

[Raistlin]

BBC News headline: Radiohead surprise festival fans

The miserable sods played something cheerful and optimistic.

[Raistlin]

When I was about 13, I accidentally jizzed all over the ladies underwear section of my Mother's Littlewoods catalogue while having a wank.

She went berserk and told my Dad to deal with me.

He taught me a lesson that I have never forgotten to this day.

Put Clingfilm over the pages first...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Many areas of Britain are considering imposing a hose pipe ban.

Surely it's too late ?

Everyone I know already has one...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Sue Barker: "Playing Serena Williams on centre court must be like facing Lennox Lewis on the other side of the net."

Never a truer word spoken Sue...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Housework cuts breast cancer risk,

In my house doing the housework also reduces the risk of the wife "falling down the stairs" or "walking into a door"...

[Raistlin]

Do you think if England beats the Germans tomorrow, USA will claim victory for it ?

[Raistlin]

What do you call a woman who you have just had sex with ?

A cab so you can roll over and sleep...

[Raistlin]

Ever since the death of my wife I've been so confused, and my head all over the place,

Do I turn my socks and underwear inside out for the ninth day in a row or risk certain death by trying to operate the washing machine ?

[Raistlin]

I've given up watching football now because that hideous, annoying, droning sound is pissing me off,

I mean, he was bad enough on the One Show...

[Raistlin]

I used ASDA's baby changing facilities today.

Mine's Taiwanese now...

[Raistlin]

I got a job as a trainee chef at a residential care home but I managed to get myself sacked on the first day.

The Chef asked me to prepare the vegetables,

So I opened the kitchen door and shouted "Hey you lot, your dinners nearly ready"...

[Raistlin]

My neighbour Jamal wanted to wash his brightly coloured shirts, but had run out of washing powder.

I was happy to lend him mine, but just as I was about to hand the pack over, I stopped and said, "Hold on, this label says 'For whites only.'"

And then he stabbed me.

[Raistlin]

A Scottish mate just texted me '' Come on the Germans ''.

It's hard to know if it's a football reference or a Euro porn DVD recommendation...

[Raistlin]

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.

I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,

And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection

in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,

And when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.

I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.

I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you

Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

To have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.

It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.

I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.

I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.

I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.

I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you

[Raistlin]

Apparently cows can't go downstairs.

It's because their joints can't bend that way.

Can you imagine how first person found that out.

"Come on Daisy, get downstairs".

"I can't, my joints won't bend that way!".

"I don't care about your joints, my wife will be home in minutes".

[Raistlin]

Hollywood has confirmed that production of 'USA Soccer Team: The Movie' has begun.

The film charts the success of the USA team in the 2010 World Cup, including their historic 10-0 win over Ghana and ultimately winning the tournament.

The film will star Brad Pitt as Landon Donovan as he uncovers the North Korean team's terrorist plot and single handedly cures Africa of AIDS.

Inspired by true events...

[Raistlin]

When I get home from a hard days work I like to take a long hot bath with Radox.

The little Eastern European girl from next door...