Raistlin's Joke Page

[bothwell_buyer]

When I get home from a hard days work I like to take a long hot bath with Radox.

The little Eastern European girl from next door...

that's ma neice, and her dugs called aygo... wunner why?

[Raistlin]

My sex addiction has got so bad even the dog wants me to get some counselling.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: A German politician has accused the English press of not being able to cover the game today without making reference to the war.

They started it...

[Raistlin]

A man fishing in a lake was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. The warden asks the man "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Nah, sir", he replied "I haven't got them there licenses. I don't need one. You must know these here fish they're me pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. That be true. Every night, I take these here fish down to the cove and let them swim about for awhile. Then, when I whistles, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I takes them home."

"That's absurd" replies the warden "Fish can't do that."

"It's the truth, it really works."

"O.K" says the warden, "I've got to see this."

The man stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove.

Then he stood and looked out to sea. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well ?"

"Well what", replies the man.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back ?"

"Call who back ?"

"The FISH", replied the warden"

"What fish ?"

[Raistlin]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off' , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you ...

In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it .

Behind you is a galloping zebra .

Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you .

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?

Get off the Merry Go Round, Your Drunk...

[Raistlin]

In an effort to further anger America,

Ghana has adopted Rick Astley's "Never Ghana Give You Up" as their national anthem...

[Raistlin]

I've just seen and interview with blind ex Big Brother housemate Mikey about his disability.

It moved me to tears.

Imagine being blind AND Scottish...

[Raistlin]

Fabio Capello names the five penalty takers he's confident will score in the German match...

Lukas Podolski

Miroslav Klose

Philipp Lahm

Mesut Ozil

Bastian Schweinsteiger

[Raistlin]

My wife died in a car crash yesterday,

Now I'm very upset.

The bitch was driving my car...

[Raistlin]

I popped into the bank to set up a new 'Transvestite Account'.

They asked me to provide proof of a dress...

[Raistlin]

My mate asked me if I saw the England goal.

Unfortunately I missed it,

I was too busy refereeing the match...

[Raistlin]

No wonder Rooney's been scoring in training, as Capello claims.

He'd been playing against England's defence..

[Raistlin]

What was Mark Webber thinking ?

It clearly states that RedBull gives you wings...

[cfc1]

The England world cup squad are flying into Edinburgh.. at least they will get a heroes welcome.

Feeling Sad, Upset, lonely, Depressed, Suicidal are you English need someone to talk to? Phone the World Cup Care Line on 0800 414141.

The England team visited an orphanage in CapeTown today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope", said Jamal age 6.

Reports are coming in of flash floods all along the Scottish Borders, apparently caused by 5 million Jocks ****** themselves laughing at the England Team!

[Raistlin]

Magician David Blaine is said to be miffed after his record of standing in a box doing nothing for 42 days has been beaten by Wayne Rooney....

[Raistlin]

I have to agree that goal scoring technology needs to be implemented after yesterdays performance.

After all it's very important that we're beaten 4-2 not 4-1 isn't it ?

[Raistlin]

BBC News: On there return from Africa the England team are flying into Glasgow International.

At they will at least get some applause there...

[Raistlin]

At least one good thing came out of yesterday ...

The wife's shaved off her beard

[Raistlin]

I can hold my hands up and say I was ashamed to be English yesterday,

Then I woke up today and thought "Well thank God I'm not Scottish, I'd be ashamed everyday"...

[Raistlin]

A man asks his Barber how to treat Baldness.

The Barber told him the best thing is "Female Love Juices"

"Hang on" said the man, "You are Balder than me though"

"I know" said The Barber, "But you gotta admit, I got a great moustache"

[Raistlin]

Now that England are out of the world cup,

I guess its time to see if Andy Murray is an amazing British tennis player or a useless Scottish git.

[Raistlin]

FOR SALE: Genuine England football boots, hardly used, no scuff marks, pristine condition never been used to score,

Please contact a Mr Wayne Rooney...

[Bizarra]

Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what’s that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

[Bizarra]

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic syphilis, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man,” said the Major.

He went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic piles, Sir.”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get back to the front, Sir.”

“Good man,” barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”

“Chronic gum disease, Sir”

“What treatment are you getting?”

“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”

“What’s your ambition?”

“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!”

[Bizarra]

Sleeping Sickness

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem - my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

"And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" Mrs Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it off and shove it up your ass!"